Bone Deep
by 2damnpretty2die
Summary: Sometimes you don't get happy endings in life, and if you do, sometimes that happy ending is just that, an end, and it leaves you as fast as you found it. Sometimes all you can do is take the happiness offered and realize that is all you are going to get. And it's up to you to make that time worthwhile.
1. From a Nightmare Born, a Dream Now Share

**Bone Deep **

_Sometimes you don't get happy endings in life, and if you do, sometimes that happy ending is just that, an end, and it leaves you as fast as you found it. Sometimes all you can do is take the happiness offered and realize that is all you are going to get. And it's up to you to make that time worthwhile._

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**Authors' Notes: **Hello and welcome. Just a quick note, hopefully the longest one you'll have to endure from us. No this is not a return of DontEatBlue. It is simply two friends that found a common interest in a story. Sadie was trying to figure out her next story to write and I wanted to finish writing this from years before. We both found ourselves quickly thrown into planning and outlining and talking and working together before we knew it and BAM, here you go. We will only be updating once a week due to scheduling conflicts. A HUGE thank you to our Beta Shinata-Riyoko. And from Blue, thank you Sadie for the wonderful rollercoaster this has been to write with you.

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**Chapter One: From a Nightmare Born, a Dream Now Shared**

Fate. What a crock of shit. A joke. The thing people blame for mistakes or romanticize with high expectations never met. Fate. Arizona had never been a believer in such things, but instead it was the decisions one made in life that would make your future. Some people are lucky or, well, think they're lucky when they find _the one_, that compatible person, but people change all the time, circumstances change for the better and sometimes for the worse and 'matches made in heaven' aren't ever just black and white.

It's simple, to have joy, one must understand pain. To appreciate love, one must know loss. To find the light, one must respect the dark. She lived by those rules and every single moment of every single day, Arizona counted her blessings, never taking a single thing for granted. Loss was an old friend no longer a guest at her table. Both of them victims of his long, uninvited presence forced to merely survive with no other option in sight. Except survival wasn't enough and solace found a love neither ever believed was again possible. It would never be a perfect love, the kind where dreams were made from, because theirs definitely started out from the inner depths of their worst nightmares. Nor would they be their first true loves, the ones all others would always compare to. They would always be the ones compared. Instead what they found in each other was a love of saving grace.

Everyone has their own private utopia, a dream, a clear vision of what heaven will be for them. Arizona, in moments like these, found such a place truly still existed inside the realms of reality. She was living life as close to perfection as was ever going to be possible. It was in her family where she found her piece of heaven as she watched as her eldest daughter run circles around her younger sister who sat pouting in the grass, her two year old feet were too uncoordinated to keep up with the speed demon of the five year old. She watched as small chubby fingers trace the two freshly skinned knees from two separate spills earlier in the day. What was going on in her tiny human's head? Was she trying to figure out if it was worth another attempt? Had her baby been playing to caution even as she ached to be free? Arizona understood that feeling all too well, the need to protect yourself, sometimes from what could be some of the greatest moments of your life yet also needing to close your eyes and jump in, to play out the hand life dealt you, never knowing which path to take, when to risk it all. Ariel was definitely her daughter, her mini-me. How many times would she take great leaps and fall flat on her face succumbing to fear until she needed coaxing and a gentle loving hand to bring her back out? They were two peas in a pod. Deciding she could no longer sit and watch life pass her by, Ariel jumped to her feet, the memory of falls past quickly forgotten as she raced after her sister, both girls screaming as the game of tag began once again. She couldn't help but smile at their carefree, innocent antics and found such peace in the moment. That feeling of warmth that occurs in your soul when you watch your child tackle the world in those tiniest of triumphs yet so enormous in a mother's heart; it's totally mesmerizing and amazing, it can bring you out of any mood, take away any sorrow no matter the depth it runs.

With her wife reading a few feet away on the deck chair as she stood keeping an eye on her babies, Arizona felt completely whole, even with all her poor heart had been through, beaten and battered and almost completely destroyed. But she came out on top and, watching her children play, she had no regrets. There was no changing the past, not ten seconds ago nor ten years and living with the weight of what could have been, what should have been, what was, she'd shed years before. It was suffocating, the pain of the past, but she'd learned to embrace what they'd been through in order to make the most out of this future. From a nightmare born, a dream now shared.

As long as she had Calliope, Ariel, and Scarlet, the nightmare to get there was worth the pain for the lifetime of love she'll always know.

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

_12 years earlier_

Life isn't perfect. Somewhere out there is an unwritten rule that says when you think life is perfect, there will be a catastrophe or tragedy or you'll stub your toe into the hardest object in your house because it is a well known fact that stubbing your toe is the epitome of pain. This applies to everybody, nobody is entitled to their happily ever after without a dramatic and often testing juncture that is there to twistedly help us fully appreciate what we have. This juncture, the new cruelly imposed struggle, is supposed to lead us to a deeper and more meaningful end where we will look back and realize it was all worth it. Or so, one would hope that would be the case. Except that's not always the case, because sometimes life just sucks and the end result, no matter how hard we fight, is losing everything anyway.

The _easy _road that people boast about, the road they claim not only exists, but they also prompt you to take it because they did so well on it? It's not as easy as we've been led to believe it is, it's quite deceptive actually and when we take that path, we often find ourselves thrown into a harder and more dangerous one voyage than we ever intended. We're faced with spur the moment decisions with little to no time to react; it's a fight or flight reaction, a split moment that can, and often times will divert our attention and direction down other paths and straight into an entanglement of thorns. We fight so hard and long, and there are times we really, really, _really_ believe that we deserve that easy road. Except somewhere out there, maybe high above us known to some heaven or, maybe in the deepest depths below that so many don't want to fathom actually exists, some cruel entity is playing with our destiny. Someone or something enjoys our battle to exist in a fairy tale world, hell, exist in any world, and for them, it is far too entertaining to let us off the hook, even just one time. The end result might be the same no matter which path we choose to go down, but sometimes that easy path has just changed our destiny and not for the better.

We are simply left with two choices. Do we choose the struggle and battle we know or do we risk the invisible ones that could possibly ruin us forever?

Callie wanted the easy path; she really thought that she deserved that elusive easy path after everything she'd been through. During a weak moment, she'd married a man in Las Vegas who used her as a means to make himself feel better about the crappy circumstances that life had dealt him. He then dumped her for the first person who made him feel even better about his insecure existence. He didn't share her feelings and, though hers could have been stronger for him as well, the end of her marriage was not through fault of her own.

Skip ahead to her next failed attempt at a relationship where she did play a fault in the demise, but only because she had an overpowering need to protect her family. Seattle Grace was her family and, although Erica was her lover and opened up a side to her that she might have never found (cue not easy path here), she ultimately went with the age-old rule: girl(boy)friends come and go, but friends will last forever. Maybe Erica didn't break her heart the way George did, but she crushed Callie's self-esteem and destroyed what faith she did have left in humanity.

Callie _wanted_ that damn easy path, especially after the not so easy and quite bumpy start into the relationship she currently found herself a partner in. She wanted for them, her and Arizona, to be able to _finally_ get on that road that took them to forever together without the disagreements that had real potential to end them, or the gunman with their lives truly threatened. They deserved easy and the decision to go off into the sunset together, that was easy. Packing up their lives and changing the world for the better together, why would anything get in their way when they were off to do such good?

Life wasn't fair; it wasn't easy by any means, and it was about to get a whole lot harder.

As they walked toward their destination, security check point B at SeaTac, Callie couldn't help but continue the internal debate she'd been having now for weeks. _Go. Stay. Go. Stay._ If she went, she had absolutely no chance whatsoever, but what she did have, she had with Arizona.

If she stayed, she had a fighting chance, but _they _didn't. She wouldn't be that woman that asked her lover to give up her dreams, and Arizona had already made up her mind to begin with; Callie's presence had never been a factor in her decision to go to Malawi, but merely an afterthought. If she went, the pain she would ultimately put the woman through, the woman who meant the world to her, would be, in her own eyes, unforgivable. Callie would be ruining Africa for Arizona and in the end she didn't think she could forgive herself for doing that. And if she stayed, she could do everything in her power, in God's power, in humanity's power, in medicine's power, to be everything Arizona wanted and needed when she returned.

In the end, her decision was based solely on her love for Arizona, but she was running out of time to make that decision. If she wasn't selfish, if she wasn't so in love with the woman that held her heart, if she could just say goodbye, she'd have made it by now, but getting even these last minutes with Arizona, she selfishly took them.

Callie could hear Arizona rattling on about the schedule when they landed and how much time they had to settle in. She mentioned Callie staying back and getting their stuff together while she went to the clinic and checked in, seeing what they were up against for their first day of work. Arizona's voice was so full of hope and excitement and that's all it took to push Callie to make the decision she had to make; the right decision for Arizona, and for them. It was quickly taken out of her hands as the words came spilling out, there was no going back.

"I can't go." Callie stopped walking and watched Arizona take a few more steps before her words reached Arizona's ears causing her to turn around and face her. She said nothing, only continued to stare with curiosity at her lover.

Tears filled the brown eyes before her and she knew this wasn't merely a stall tactic over some unvoiced fears of flying or last minute doubts about leaving friends behind. Arizona knew Callie was serious.

Groans and harsh comments from other airport visitors were aimed in their direction as other people were now forced to detour around them, but their words fell on deaf ears. Callie's heart raced so fast it pounded in her head.

"What?" She didn't even bother to argue; by the look on Callie's face, the serious tone on her voice even edged with uncertainty, Arizona could tell that her mind was already made up. Just by the simple act of her forehead creasing, her brows knitting together told all. It was Callie's courageous face and Arizona knew it well.

Taking a deep breath, Callie steadied herself against her rolling suitcase handle. She was so dizzy with grief, her knuckles whitened as she clung on for dear life. "I can't go to Malawi with you." She whispered as tears began falling down her cheeks, quickly soaking into the collar of her coat. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." her voice broke as she watched the face before her contort in pain, the words seeming to cut Arizona like a knife.

"Callie, don't do this. Please." Arizona begged. She knew this wasn't Callie's dream, but it was _only _three years. She told Arizona she wanted to go, that she was in this for the long haul. She made her expand her dreams to include the one woman that had the power to break her if this all fell apart and here it was, falling apart.

"I love you, Arizona." Callie was still whispering when she reached her hand out to touch Arizona's face one last time.

"No— no!" Arizona pulled away before contact could be made. She didn't want to feel Callie's skin against her own. What was left of her walls were barely intact, ready to crumble, and that simple touch would be all it took to bring them cascading down.

"No! You— you love me, but you— you aren't going? How does that even make sense Callie? How?" She instantly grew angry, throwing her words back at the devastated looking woman before her as she tried to suppress the grief that she knew would now only come later. But for the now anger was needed here. She needed to feel angry, Callie was leaving her in an airport to go it alone. Telling her to go to Malawi without her, but that she _loved _her, was not okay.

"Arizona, I'm sorry, I just, I can't." She pulled her hand back to her side wishing for nothing more than that one last touch. That one last good memory to get her through what lay ahead, the unknown waiting for her behind the next corner.

"NO!" Arizona yelled. "You— you promised. _You _wanted to go. NO! You can't do this. Don't do this." Everybody was moving in what felt like a million miles an hour around her as her head spun and her body froze. This wasn't happening.

"Go to Malawi; save the tiny humans. Be their hero." Callie choked on her tears as she could barely get out the words.

"Be their hero." She repeated when all she wanted to do was scream _be my hero,_ but Callie was doing this for her lover and held on tight to that. Letting Arizona go was the hardest moment of her life, but she had to do this and she had to be strong.

"NO!" Her brain was repeating it as many times as her mouth, but she just couldn't process what was happening. "You're going to Malawi, you're going with me." She grabbed for Callie's luggage pulling hard against the tight grip she had in her stationary state. Callie wasn't budging.

If Arizona's heart was breaking, Callie's had to be gone, because she was destroying the only good thing left in her life. Watching Arizona break down, pulling desperately against the strength of her will was devastating. The harder Arizona fought, the faster her tears fell, each single piece of her shattered heart piercing Callie through the depths of her soul. It took everything in her not to step forward, pulling Arizona into her arms and promising her forever. A promise Callie worried she'd ultimately break if she gave in to heartbreak's pain and followed Arizona to the ends of the earth. Sucking air hard into her lungs, Callie closed her eyes and imagined the possibilities that lay ahead in the future, the pain worth the end. Their end. Their future. Blinking several times she looked up at Arizona. "I can't go with you. I'm not going, Arizona. You have to go without me." She was trying so hard to be strong, but the tears cascading down Arizona's cheeks were destroying her one by one.

"You promised." Arizona screamed throwing Callie's luggage handle back toward her almost knocking her off balance with the urgency and strength behind it, her outburst bringing unwanted attention their way before her own voice dropped as she could now barely talk through her tears. "It's three years Callie, three years. Why? Why are you doing this?"

"I'll still be here; in three years. I'm going to be here." She was trying to convince herself of this just as much as Arizona. "I'll meet you _here_ in three years, but I can't go." Callie tried one more time to reach out and touch Arizona, but the she moved just out of reach, further away.

"If you stay— if you stay here and I go without you, we're done. We're over, Calliope."

There was such finality in her words terrifying Callie to almost change her mind. _Almost._

When Callie didn't bother to argue the point, or even disagree Arizona turned on her heels and without another word walked toward the security line never another look back. Callie's world went black with grief as she watched the love of her life disappear first behind the metal detectors and then into the swarms of other passengers. She momentarily regretted her decision and started to take off after the woman whose heart she had just shattered, but she also knew she was doing the right thing and stopped dead in her tracks. The pain would eventually fade for Arizonaby doing it this way; this was the _only _way.


	2. Empty of Loyalties, Certain of Death

******Authors' Notes: **As always, our sincerest gratitude goes to Shinata-Riyoko for her hard work beta'ing. Anything she missed is squarely on our shoulders as we might have changed it around after she sent it back. I'm sorry, it's my fault (says Blue). Also to the wonderful response and feedback, thank you so very much. And no more authors' notes nonsense, you're here for a fictional story, not our life story.

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**Chapter Two: Empty of Loyalties, Certain of Death**

The heart, it's an amazing organ. It has four little chambers that together work incredibly hard, pumping blood and oxygen through our bodies – but it's so much more than just a mechanism to keep us alive. The heart feels. It can soar, feeling as though it's going to flutter right out of our chest, but it can also sink just as quickly. It pines over lost loves and races over new ones. Sometimes that heart loves hating and sometimes the heart hates loving, but more than anything, the heart just wants to feel.

One thousand, one hundred, and twelve days later, Callie stood fidgeting in front of the mirror trying on her third outfit of the morning. She felt her heart rate begin to increase as her eyes glanced to the wall clock, the time counting down quicker than she wished it would.

Twenty six thousand, six hundred, and ninety-two hours from the moment her life ended, and Callie knew this because she'd been keeping count, she changed into yet another outfit hoping the next one would be the _one_. Palms grew sweaty and her heartbeat intensified erratically as another glance showed the timer racing.

One million, six hundred and one thousand, five hundred and twenty minutes had passed since she'd last seen Arizona, give or take a few. Her heart sunk in her chest as she realized how much had changed in that precious time. As her heart sank, she swore that her heart stopped and she wondered if that was what dying felt like.

Callie now looked to her watch hoping that it would show a different time, give her more time, but only she realized that she'd be late if she didn't get a move on and fast. This outfit, although nowhere near close to form fitting or comfortable for that matter, would have to do. Feeling sexy seemed to be as elusive as everything else in her life.

"Teddy thinks this is a bad idea." Mark stood in her doorway watching her fidget with her loose shirt. His own heart aching at the sight of his friend, he could see the excitement, the fear, and the panic in her movements.

"Teddy also thinks that pixie-stix are a suitable meal— she's not always right." Callie snapped at her best friend as she pulled a sweater on under her leather jacket to give herself some semblance of the curves Arizona had once worshiped. The curves Arizona loved about her body were no longer but a pipe dream in her own eyes.

"Did she tell you to come?" He knew he was grasping at straws, but he was trying to save Callie the pain he knew was to come if she left the apartment today.

"No, but I promised, Mark. I promised and I'm going." Callie didn't understand why nobody would support her; this was everything she'd been fighting for, the reason she even bothered to fight.

"Callie, you two have barely spoken in three years—" He was at the losing end of this battle, but he had to try. Callie just glared at him as the phone rang alerting her to the awaiting cab.

"I promised." Her voice, though confident, cracked with emotion as she walked past him and out of the apartment, Mark's comment reminded her how limited their communication had become. A few short emails, that often said nothing more than pleasantries, had become what was left of them, and that was after Callie had sent hundreds trying to beg for forgiveness, but always without an explanation. She knew an explanation would have Arizona on the first plane home and she was saving her girlfriend— ex-girlfriend the grief of knowing.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

Her nerves were playing havoc on her system, the lonely taxi journey allowing her mind to overanalyze every possible situtation, and now that the plane was landing, over an hour late, Callie was a complete and nervous wreck. This was it. Answers of course would have to be given as well as explanations doled out in the masses, probably some begging and pleading too. She wasn't naive enough to think there wouldn't be lots of crying and yelling, but she was prepared for that. She'd been preparing for this for years and while she knew it wasn't going to be pretty, it had to be done.

Wandering through the crowds, her heart was in her throat as she hurriedly tried to get to her destination. She was almost on autopilot, not taking in anything around her but the target. The rapid beat of her pulse was so intense that her body felt as though it was vibrating. Excitement, fear ... she wasn't sure.

"Callie." Teddy came up from behind to stand by her friend who was waiting in seats where the passengers exited after unloading the planes. Arizona's gate was right next to the security exit and Callie could clearly see as each passenger left the plane.

"Hey." Callie smiled and quickly glanced at her friend before her attention was drawn back to the crowds of people swarming in her direction. Arizona had to be in amongst them, she'd confirmed her flight reservations three times before this day arrived. "What are you doing here?" Callie seemed to ask as an after thought.

Expecting a bit of anger at her unexpected arrival, Callie being jealous to have to share this moment with somebody else but getting none, Teddy felt even worse for being the bearer of bad news. It would have been easier had there been even a flash of anger, but instead Callie's face was still bright with excitement and Teddy would be responsible for the ruin of it all. "When Mark couldn't talk you out of it, I knew you'd need a friend. I got here as quickly as I could." She reached out and put her hand on Callie's shoulder, but Teddy knew she had heard almost none of what she had said as Callie's mind was firmly stuck on Arizona's impending arrival as it had been for weeks now.

"A friend? What?" Callie sucked in a breath when she saw blonde curls bouncing in her direction. _Here goes nothing._

"Callie, please, listen to me." Teddy begged as she threw herself in front of the woman, but it was too late, Callie's smile had already fallen and she turned around to focus on what Callie was seeing.

In the close distance was the object of their reasoning for being there, except she wasn't alone. _Damn it, she wasn't alone. _They both watched as a woman leaned in, whispering something into Arizona's ear. She began laughing, her head thrown back before her hand, that held onto another woman's, pulled said woman in for a quick kiss.

A woman who wasn't Callie.

"Callie—" Teddy's voice was apologetic, her and Mark had tried so hard to talk Callie out of this and now it was blowing up in their faces. Worse than that, it was blowing up in Callie's face.

"She— she— I told her I'd wait." Callie ignored the presence of her friend; it didn't occur to her that this was why Teddy had shown up out of the blue, because she was too stuck on the woman with Arizona that should have been her. The woman that replaced her and it was her fault. "I promised I'd wait." She whispered as what was left of her heart shattered.

Trying to avoid any type of scene, for any of them, Teddy wrapped her arm around Callie's shoulder and turned them around toward the parking lot, but not before she caught Arizona's eye from across the corridor. "Let's get you home."

"She didn't wait." Callie was sobbing by the time they reached Teddy's car.

"I know honey, I know." Teddy was crushed for her friend, devastated was more like it. She had tried so hard to avoid this; it wasn't either woman's fault, because things just don't always go as planned, which is how they found themselves here in the first place.

"I fought so hard. So hard, Teddy. I fought for her. For us." Teddy folded Callie's broken body into her car before driving her home.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

"How long has she been out?" Mark asked Teddy when he walked into Callie's apartment.

"A few hours." Teddy sighed knowing they were to blame for this.

"She might hate us." Mark said rubbing the grief from his face.

Teddy stopped dead in her tracks and glared in Mark's direction before her thin framed body started shaking violently as she quickly became hunched over, dry heaves mixed with heartbreakingly silent sobs wracking her body.

Mark moved swiftly to her side, leading her to the nearest chair. Grabbing the nearest box of tissues, he squatted next to her, gently rubbing her arms as she gasped for air to fill her lungs.

"It's not fair." She hiccupped through a muffled cry. "It's not fair that I had to lie to Callie, that I had to lie to Arizona. God, this is why I don't have friends. They're assholes. All friends are assholes." Teddy's broken voice betrayed the anger now apparent across her face, but it was obvious she needed to be angry right now, because the grief of the entire situation was becoming too hard for her to carry any longer.

Handing her tissue after tissue, he stayed silent as she let her emotions free. For three years now, Teddy had been a rock. First, his rock after Callie came clean to him why she stayed, and then Callie's when Teddy decided she couldn't stay mad at her due to the circumstances that had been the true reasoning she broke Teddy's best friend's heart. Even after Mark had disclosed Callie's dirty secret to her, Teddy reserved her judgement of Callie until she witnessed the true devastation her abandonment of Arizona had caused herself. A few months after Callie let Arizona go, Teddy caught her crying in an on-call room of the hospital after a rather difficult day in what was going on in her world. She assumed it was Callie having a pity party, except after finally breaking down to comfort her, Callie admitted the truth that she'd have rather died with Arizona loving her than lived knowing she'd forever hate her. She confided in Teddy that she had been moments away from boarding that plane for that reason, except she also knew that she could never put the love of her life through the grisly life her future held for her and that to save Arizona that pain, she had to live, every day, knowing Arizona hated her, but it was still worth it.

Teddy held everybody up. For the first year, she let Arizona mourn the unexpected demise of her relationship with Callie, never once telling her any of the secrets Seattle was keeping. She listened over and over again as Arizona questioned and cried and then eventually, when she had no more tears to shed, she watched Arizona angrily hate Callie and wish her death, a violent and ugly scene, one in comparison to what Callie had done to her heart. It broke her heart to listen to Arizona say such things, but never did she break Callie's confidence to correct Arizona, to warn her, to bring her home.

When Arizona found herself in a relationship, sexual or whatever it was, Teddy wasn't truly sure how it was defined, never once did Teddy try to talk Callie out of waiting for Arizona. She couldn't. She was keeping secrets, lots of secrets. While Callie planned their future at the same time fighting for her own present, Teddy helped pick out dresses and centerpieces and anything else that would get Callie's mind off the hell she was going through. They dreamed of a future for her and Arizona and watching the only thing that brought excitement and hope to Callie was not something Teddy could, or would, dare take away from her.

For three years she held up both friends and Mark, took on their burdens, kept their secrets, and now she was broken. They'd broken her.

"They both hate me." She hiccupped again, snot bubbling from her nose, mascara streaking down her reddened cheeks. She always knew she was an ugly crier and as Mark cringed, handing her another tissue, she couldn't help but laugh only causing more snot to bubble from her nose.

Trying to cheer up her, Mark poorly joked, "Arizona doesn't even know yet."

Hearing that only caused Teddy to spiral further into a self-hating pity party. "I won't have any friends by the time this is done. None. I don't make friends easily, I don't. I have baggage and self esteem problems, and I never make friends because I'm always afraid they'll leave when they realize I'm too difficult. And now that I have them, they're going to leave, just like they always do. But it's not my fault, Mark. It's not fair." She was begging for answers, begging for something to make it all better.

Watching her torment was breaking his heart. He wasn't the advice giver, people didn't come to him for that or help, but he just couldn't bear to watch her beat herself up. Mark couldn't sit back and say nothing so switching tactics; he gave her a grown-up moment from humor to honesty. "If they hate you for being a good friend, for protecting them both, you deserve better and they never deserved you in the first place. You did nothing wrong but love them." He was serious; she'd done nothing wrong but be a good friend. Unless there was something wrong with being a good friend. And if that were the case, then she was super wrong. Placing the tissue box to the side he took her hand in his and made sure her eyes locked with his own."You have to let them both deal with this before they will see that, Teddy. If, afterwards, they both are being assholes, I'll deal with them."

"You should have seen the look in her eyes when we got back here. They were empty, she wasn't even just sad, she was completely empty inside. I did that, Mark."

"We did that, we kept that from her and it blew up in our faces. We both didn't tell her and because we didn't, we couldn't stop today from happening. We're both at fault."

Teddy watched the pain cross his face, the guilt he carried from keeping this from Callie all this time. He had no loyalties to Arizona, never made her any promises, but he still held her truth close, never giving Callie even a hint he had secrets from her. This had aged Mark. From watching his best friend suffer, to taking care of her at her worst, to lies and secrets, Mark had suffered himself, and a great deal. In the past three years, Teddy had watched him give more of himself than she thought possible. He'd given up a chance at relationships, at a future in love himself for Callie's well-being. The happy, careless gleam in his eyes had faded, his face was haunted with the stress the past three years had put upon his shoulders, and the result was worry lines now firmly chiseled out on that once flawless face, his shoulders drooped just enough to take that air of confidence from his stature, and he often looked sad, nobody being able to put the glow back, because he knew the inevitable was around the corner and yet he still kept trekking on. As doctors they knew this destroyed entire families and they were now part of that statistic.

"_I _should have told her." He admitted quietly.

"She didn't need to know. She wasn't strong enough, and then when she was, I couldn't tell her. I just couldn't be the friend that broke her heart. And you of all people couldn't be the one who was responsible for that either, Mark." Teddy wiped the lingering tears away. "How long did calm last before the storm came back? Neither of us wanted to risk rocking the boat. What good would it have done in the long run anyway?"

Her heart raced so fast it felt as if it was going to beat out of her chest. She had woken to Mark's less than quiet entrance into her apartment and immediately thought to seek him out for some comfort, but as she made her way toward the cracked door of her bedroom, she overheard their conversation. Their whispers carried and she listened intently to them talk about things she was certain she wasn't supposed to know. Standing in the doorway, holding tight to the frame, Callie glared at her friends. "You knew and you didn't tell me?" Her voice was hoarse from the nonstop crying, but laced with raw anger.

They both turned toward the sound behind them and their hearts stopped just by the look of rage vibrating off of her body. "Callie..." Mark tried to calm her down before any damage could be done.

"How long?" She growled.

Neither responded, neither knew how to respond.

"HOW LONG?" She was physically shaking and they both recoiled under her escalating anger.

"A year and a half." Teddy said, hanging her head in shame as she waited for the screaming to begin.

"And you didn't tell me?" Callie was yelling, ignoring the fear in her friends' eyes as they watched her exert energy she didn't have to waste.

"You weren't strong enough Callie. You still aren't. _She _kept you alive and we selfishly used that. We needed you to fight." Mark argued and tears fell as he watched the heartbreak that he'd been trying so hard to keep in one piece.

"I need you both to leave. Right now." Callie's voice broke, anger drained into empty hollowness. There was no emotion in her words.

"Callie, please," Mark begged.

Shaking her head, she just stared at them in disbelief. It was as if she was unable to process what was right in front of her eyes, to truly accept the betrayal standing before her. She didn't want to believe it, but plain as day, she had no other choice. She shook her head one more time giving them both a look of complete destruction and despair. "Just go. Please." Callie walked back into her room, slamming the door behind her, leaving her friends feeling guilty and ashamed.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

"_So what did the health clinic want?" Arizona watched as Callie walked back into their bedroom dragging a large case behind her and hoisting it up onto the bed, her knee helping to push it completely onto the mattress._

_She looked at Arizona with a blank stare, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. Arizona laughed at the zombie look from her girlfriend, taking it in as confusion. "The health clinic called you. You walked away to the other room to get better reception. Any of this ring a bell?" _

"_What?" Callie blinked several times getting her thoughts and emotions under control. "Oh, eh… just misplaced blood samples from when they were doing our physicals, Dr. Daniels wants me to pop into tomorrow to get them re-taken, luckily it's not having to get those damn painful vaccinations redone!" Callie nervously laughed as Arizona eyed her suspiciously. She began to quickly throw objects into the case, not paying attention to the items falling from her fingertips._

"_Well that's lucky, because we're less than four weeks away, if it had been the vaccinations, then no Malawi for you." She sang cheekily. Her smile was bright and happiness radiated from every pore, Callie had to look away before Arizona caught on to her._

"_Yeah." Callie's voice cracked as she heard Dr. Daniels voice echo in her mind. 'The blood we took at your medical have come back showing severe abnormalities, it could be nothing, but truth be told, I'm quite concerned about it. Add that to your recent unexplained weight loss and complaints of fatigue, we really need to look into this sooner rather than later. This might be nothing more than the stress of your impending move, but I would really encourage some extra tests to be run and I'd also like to take some more samples and send them off for further analysis.' _

_Shaking the thought from her head, she plastered on a wide smile to her face and looked up to be greeted with Arizona's questioning eyes. She needed to change the subject quickly. "So…do you think there will be a pool?" Holding up her sexy red bikini, her eyebrow playfully raised as Arizona shook her head in the negative and whispered 'it's Malawi' smiling back at her girlfriend, Callie trying to quell the thoughts from her own head comically threw the garment over her shoulder and tried not to cringe at the throbbing pain in her forearm. At least the swelling had finally gone down, but she'd really like to know how she injured herself. "Oh well, if we get there and there is a pool, our neighbors will get an eye full!" _

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

Arizona had been back for two long weeks and had yet to see Callie except for the airport incident. Every morning she scanned the surgical board in hopes to see Callie's name, but remarkably she never did. Callie lived to cut, so her absence confused Arizona. In those two weeks Arizona had also seen little of Teddy, and Mark was being genuinely out of character, nice to her. All of it was unsettling. Weird even, colleagues of old would part like the red sea when she came near them. Vibrating, silent pagers coming to their rescue as they dashed off in opposite directions.

It wasn't the first time that Cristina had caught her staring at the surgical board or trying to pump nurses for gossip and information since her return. Arizona wasn't even technically on staff yet, her contract not beginning for another six months, so she would have the freedom to travel back and forth to Malawi to make certain, in her absence, things were still running well. Except for the last two weeks since her return to the states, Cristina had seen her at the hospital more often than not. Granted she did have OR privileges and she was a paid consultant working on her own schedule until her full time return, but in Cristina's own pumping for gossip, she found Dr. Robbins was not at the hospital for the sake of any patient and had not seen the inside of an OR either. Arizona had one thing on her mind and Cristina figured it was time to give her what she wanted. It wasn't the sad, pathetic stalking or even the lost puppy look on her face. After Cristina's scrub nurse had cornered her, frantic after Dr. Robbins had been asking too many questions, she figured it better to tell her than her hearing from someone without all the facts. Facts, Cristina was good at facts and that's all that was needed here.

"Dr. Robbins." Cristina approached the board after watching Arizona for a few minutes from afar.

"Yang." Arizona didn't bother to make eye contact with the other woman. By Cristina's tone of voice, she was sure there was going to be a confrontation and she wasn't prepared for that. So far, she'd also avoided most of the old gang, unsure how welcome she'd be in her return and with their own current avoidance tactics, it had been an easy task. In reality, if she was one hundred percent honest, she'd been avoiding them because even though Callie probably had her "reasons" for staying and abandoning her to go to Malawi alone, by herself, without a freaking explanation, dumped in the middle of an airport, Arizona was sure that after a three year absence, they would surely take Callie Torres' side even if she was wrong. Even _though_ she was wrong.

Arizona had been skeptical over seeing Mark, except he'd gone and proved her concerns wrong with his odd and friendly welcome home attitude. Cristina Yang she was not excited to see in any way, shape, or form. She was snarky and rude and while she pretended not to have a care in the world, she was fiercely overprotective of those she considered her friends, and Arizona Robbins had never been on that list. She had merely been accepted as Callie's girlfriend and nothing more.

"Been staring at that board for a while, looking for someone's name?" She asked knowingly.

"Oh, I must have been daydreaming." Arizona pasted on a fake smile hoping to end their conversation before it began.

"She doesn't work here anymore." Cristina simply stated what she thought was the obvious.

"What?" She didn't bother to feign ignorance at Cristina's news.

"You've been gone a long time, things change." She cleared her throat by feigning a deep cough. While; her emotions where Callie was concerned were raw, nobody else needed to know such was the case.

"Where is she now?" Arizona asked. She wanted details, not some run-around nonsense.

"Right now?"

Arizona nodded.

Cristina looked down at her watch, her forehead crinkled as she did the math. It was early enough still for her to be just finishing up. "6th floor." While she knew it wasn't her business, she also believed Arizona needed to know. It was well past time that Arizona Robbins got the truth.

Looking confused, Arizona questioned Cristina. "I thought you said she didn't work here anymore?"

"She doesn't." Cristina shrugged as she watched Arizona's face contort in complete confusion. She might have been enjoying playing with her, just a tiny bit but before she could lose her temper Cristina grabbed her by the arm and swiftly walked them in the opposite direction of the board.

Usually Arizona would not let herself be manhandled but she was so confused and her worry grew as Cristina pulled open an empty exam room and gently shoved her through the threshold before closing the door behind them. "What's going on, Yang? Why did you bring me here?"

"Robbins, I'd say it's not my place, but I made no promises to Callie. Once upon a time this involved you too and you have a right to know..." Cristina took a deep breath before continuing, except Arizona's annoyance interrupted her.

"What are you talking about, Yang?" Arizona, impatient, snapped. She was done with games. With her heart in her throat for reasons she wasn't certain of, either Cristina got to the point or got the hell out.

"Three years ago, she didn't get on that plane, not because she didn't love you, but because she did. Too much. Too much to ask you to stay."

"Oh yeah, sure." Arizona scoffed with disbelief. She might have been wracked with worry and fear both induced by Cristina's odd actions and her own fear that hid just behind her eyes but this subject could and always would bring out Arizona's less than compassionate side.

Cristina walked toward Arizona, grabbing her shoulders with a small shake. "Listen to me, she couldn't ask you to stay with her even though she needed you to." She hated having to do this, but she also knew nobody would.

She took a step back, pulling herself from Cristina's grip. If this was the reason she was in here, she needed to get out except when she tried to sidestep Cristina, the other woman followed suit and blocked her path. "Why did she _need _me to stay? For her ego? Because she'd already dried up her supply of Seattle Grace fuck buddies?" Arizona asked bitterness dripping from her voice as she realized she was not going to get out without this conversation.

Cristina remained calm and waited for Arizona's storm to crest and bottom out giving her ample time to get it off her chest now.

"Was she worried without me staying that she'd have nobody to make her feel good about herself? Did she want the sex with no strings attached? Why? Why did she need me to stay when Mark could have done any of that for her and without the mess of a real, adult, _mature _relationship?" Arizona viciously wiped at the angry tears she didn't even realize had fallen as she slowly backed down realizing Cristina was not at the apex of these charged emotions and it wasn't fair of her to unload. Nor did she really want to give the younger doctor any ammunition in the future such as a breakdown like this.

Cristina waited a few more moments until Arizona had completely calmed. "What's the 6th floor?" she asked softly.

Silence filled the room as the realization smacked Arizona in the face and guilt choked her. "Oh my god." Arizona gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as she tried to shove the word back in. If she didn't say it, it couldn't be true.

Cristina nodded, the tortured look on her face spoke volumes.

"Oncology..." She barely could whisper.

"Yeah, oh my god." Cristina repeated, except there was no mocking sentiment behind it. "She went into remission for a while, but it came back. It _is _back. She's playing it off, but it's pretty bad this time. She wanted to beat it before you returned. She tried. She really did.".

Arizona could hear the fear in her voice, the desperation cut her deep to the bone. "Prognosis?" Arizona choked on that damn word. How many times in her life had she used it? As a surgeon it effortlessly fell from her lips; you have to detach yourself from the patient. Yes you feel sorrow, upset for what the words mean, except now, for the first time ever, it meant something completely different and painful to her, this affected her heart. _This was Calliope._

"If this round doesn't work, three maybe four months. Six tops, but that's pushing it." Her voice was barely above a whisper. If she didn't say it too loud, maybe it wouldn't come true.

"Diagnosis?" Arizona asked with fear in her voice. Fear in her eyes. Fear plastered across her face. She was consumed with fear so much her body shook just enough, enough for Cristina to see at least.

"Bone cancer." She took a second to let it sink in. "How tragically poetic, huh?" Cristina laughed with a disgusted tone.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

"_Prognosis?" Callie stood at the threshold of Dr. David Daniels' office. Her heart dropped when she saw the very familiar face of a close colleague that specialized in oncology. She found her knuckles whiten as her grip intensified, the frame seem to be the only thing holding her upright._

"_Good morning, Callie. Please come in and sit down." _

"_David. I thought I told you I didn't want anyone from Seattle Grace involved, so what is she doing here?" Callie didn't mean to sound as nasty as she had; it was just with Dr. Martina Emory's presence, she knew it wasn't good. _

"_I'm sorry, we're all doctors here, Callie. You knew my concerns when we took the scans. Now I asked Dr. Emory here because you know you want the best team available." He maintained eye contact with her, telling people was always hard, but even harder when the patient was a doctor. _

"_I'm going to Africa for three years with Arizona. Three years...We're happy again. Please don't...I'm going to Africa." Callie pleaded from the doorway. This could not be happening, she had plans._

"_Callie, please come in and sit down." Dr. Emory spoke up, nothing but sadness covered her face. She knew from the few times she'd worked with the surgeon that Dr. Torres had a reputation for being stubborn. She waited for Callie to join them before she continued. "I need to ask you a few questions and we can get a treatment plan in order back at Seattle Grace. It says here you are experiencing fatigue and you've had some weight loss. About how long would you say this has been on your radar?"_

"_Cut the scripted crap Marti, just tell me what you found." _

_Sucking in some air, Dr. Emory folded her arms and adjusted her back in the chair she was sitting in. "The CT scans showed a large mass in your right ulna. Of course, to be certain, we'll need to take a biopsy, there's a good chance we're looking at Osteosarcoma, but we need..." She was quickly cut off by Callie's out of place laughter. Dr. Daniels looked on with understanding pity at her reaction as he watched the woman continue to laugh as she finally sat down._

"_I wouldn't be here if you weren't certain. You wouldn't be here if you weren't certain. You have the scans, you have the blood work; you know very well what we're looking at here. The biopsy is just semantics, so don't you dare try to downplay this for me." Callie growled__ before her voice trembled.__ "Oh of course it is... Of course, that's just..." Callie covered her face with her hands as David continued to look on with confusion. "Great!"_

"_Dr. Daniels, Dr. Torres is an orthopedic surgeon." Dr. Emory explained._

"_Oh!" Dr. Daniels looked down at his paperwork and began to straighten them not sure what to say next. Because this started out as a simple vaccination and physical for travel, her specialty had never come up._

_Marti reached over and put a comforting hand on Callie's shaking knee. "Callie, we'll get a biopsy done and if it is osteosarcoma, we will deal with it. You know we can fight this. You've had your fair share of bone cancer patients and you've helped them. Let us come up with a plan. You can fight this."_

_She scoffed and swallowed the bile sitting in the back of her throat. "I've had my fair share die too after I did everything in medicine's ability...My arm isn't even sore," She lied holding up her arm for them to examine. "There's no swelling. Yes, of course I'm tired, but I'm a freaking surgeon… I'm going to Africa." Standing up, her eyes darted toward the door, her plan to escape. Callie felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her, her world was crashing down. She closed her eyes, squeezing tight. The damn dizziness came on so fast, so unexpected, she could only plant her feet and hope to stay upright. Opening her eyes, she realized it hadn't dissipated any and she felt her entire body start to sway. Wide, terrified eyes looked back at her as she went from dizzy to a feeling she couldn't explain. She felt heavy, so heavy. "I'm going to Africa." She repeated in a desperate tone. As her jaw slammed into the hard floor, she saw lights flash behind her eyelids. Her body was now pins and needles and throbbing pain. The panicked voices all around her were nothing compared to the loud buzzing in her head. 'I have cancer.'_


	3. After Her Death, Her Unlikely Burden Was

******Authors' Notes: **We have been blown away by the reception to this and we hope you continue to follow us on this journey. Thank you. This chapter is longer than we expected so we apologize for that. We are trying to keep to our weekly schedule but I (Sadie) will be taking a 5 day break with my kids and am not sure about how much writing will be produced over the course of that time. So hopefully if we are little later this longer chapter will hold your interest. A big thank you too Shinata-Riyoko for her continued hard word checking this for us.

* * *

**Chapter Three: After Her Death, Her Unlikely Burden Was To Keep On Living**

She stood hunched over the sink, squeezing tight to the lip as she forced the bile back down into her stomach. Her knees shook, throwing her slightly off balance, as she leaned forward and hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst. She knew if she couldn't keep these crackers down after her rather intense treatment today, they'd be putting her in the hospital and pumping her full of fluids, poking her with damn needles, taking her blood every few hours, and she was just not emotionally strong enough for that right now.

She couldn't keep down any damn food no matter how hard she tried, which was why she'd switched to saltines in the first place, and now even they were causing her the same violent reaction. As sweat beaded across her forehead, she felt another wave of nausea slam through her, and she clung desperately to the edge. _No, she was not going to vomit._

Giving into the exhaustion, she could no longer hold herself up and grabbed for a barf bucket to take with her. As the tears rolled down her cheeks, she slowly made her way to the couch, collapsing in relief, the soft cushions sinking even under her light weight. Taking deep breath after deep breath, she tried to steady her breathing, to stop the tears. She hurt so badly that even tears exacerbated the pain and she'd do anything in her power to minimize her struggles.

Hearing a knock at the door quickly brought her back to a calm place, not wanting to worry whichever friend it was who came calling. It was a welcome relief to her current situation, knowing somebody was just on the other side to take her mind off of her pain, and she secretly hoped it was either Teddy or Mark as it had been two weeks since she'd last seen either of them. Well, that wasn't true, in the two weeks since the airport fiasco and then fight that followed, Mark and Teddy had continually tried to come to her aid, but she didn't want them. Callie was mad that they had kept this secret from her, but once she was clear of mind, once the emotional pain ceased, she'd realized that behind their deception was nothing more than absolute love and protection ... the same thing she'd done to Arizona to spare her grief. How could she remain upset with her two best friends for only following her lead? And truth be told, she really wanted her friends. She _needed _ her friends.

Easing up as gently as her body would allow, she paused slightly when she was upright to gain her balance, as she focused on her target. "Just coming!" Even she was surprised by how hoarse and pathetic her voice sounded. Slowly she made her way over, bracing herself against the frame when her legs felt as though they'd give out. Relief led to surprise as Callie opened the door and found Cristina staring back at her with concern across her face.

She shook her head and bit her tongue, the only words coming out while still holding her disappointment, were less accusatory. "You look like hell." Cristina quickly maneuvered herself into the apartment giving Callie no choice but to abandon the open door and walk backwards a few steps. Before she could reach around her visitor to shut and lock the door, she found herself being guided toward the couch.

"Bad day." She didn't even bother to argue with her usual lies as she collapsed back down in relief of no longer being in the upright position.

Leaving her friend for a moment, Cristina went around the back of the couch to grab a throw from the basket under the sofa table. With her own back to the door, Callie heard the click of the front door to her apartment and realized, in Cristina's haste to get her to the couch, she once again left the damn door ajar. This had become a common occurrence for numerous and various reasons and each time somebody else caught her door open when it wasn't supposed to be, there were threats to take away what was left of her independence and hire her an at-home-nurse.

"I'm sorry about the door." Callie started to turn around to address her friend eye to eye. Giving Cristina the puppy-dog-eyes might just convince her to keep her secret. "If you would not mention this to Mark I'd ..."

"You eat?" She interrupted Callie, tripping over her own feet as she raced to stand in front of the couch. There was a look on her face that Callie couldn't place, like she was trying to mask something else.

Writing it off as just worry, Callie laughed, too hard, at Cristina's question. "Trust me when I say it's not going to happen." The laugh quickly turned into labored gasping, Callie trying to catch her breath as a result.

"I love you." Cristina spoke in almost a whisper. She looked over Callie's shoulder, brief sadness in her eyes as she shook her head before returning her look to Callie.

"Stop." She waved off the emotions those three words brought with them. "I'm not dead yet. Stop being so dramatic." Callie joked inappropriately trying to lighten the mood that Cristina's worry had brought with it. While Callie understood Cristina's increased upset, her response to this round of treatment was troublesome and very out of character for the usually stoic woman. When no laughter followed and Cristina only continued to stand staring at her with a look of pity in her eyes, Callie lowered her chin, averting her eyes from the ones looking right at her and not through her. Cristina always did tell it as it was, look at her, and be what a friend needed, not necessarily wanted.

Again Cristina shook her head before she rounded the couch into the kitchen. There was some shuffling around before the faucet finally sounded, water hitting against the metal sink. "I can never get this sink filter system to work, which way am I supposed to turn the handle?" She asked with annoyance in her voice.

"And people trust you to cut open their chests?" Callie laughed. "You turn the handle on the ..."

"Thanks. Got it."

Callie didn't get to finish her instruction when she heard the powerful rush of water shift to the dribble of the filter system. As Cristina returned and handed her a glass of water, Callie swore she heard another set of footsteps walking away from the sink in the other room. She eyed Cristina suspiciously while she sipped. She wondered for a moment if this was the start of some _get off your ass and over Arizona _intervention.

"No Cal, I love you. I mean, sure we don't always see eye to eye, but I only do what's best for you. _This _is best for you." She stared at her friend hoping to god she understood.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Callie tried hard not to sigh in resignation. _Yup, _this was going to be some intervention and she might as well suck it up and do this now because at least it'd be over and done with and she'd have all her friends back.

"I need you to fight. You need a reason to fight. Please." Cristina begged.

A bitter laugh escaped Callie's lips. "Cristina come on, you know better. It's useless. I should have just gone to Malawi. I should have gone and at least enjoyed what I had left of life instead of this hell."

"No, Callie. Jesus. How many times do we need to go around with this? You'd have lasted, what a year at most? You'd have suffered, she'd have suffered, and you'd have come back here in a wooden box. Are you really that selfish? Would you have put her, us, and yourself through that when you know this fight is winnable? You're a damn surgeon. How many times do you tell your patients to fight when the odds are against them?"

Callie said nothing, only continuing to look sad and broken. Tears glazed her eyes as she took in the truth behind Cristina's words. She was the only one that ever gave it to her straight and probably one of the main reasons she was even here anymore. Cristina didn't take no for an answer and made Callie fight even when she had nothing left in her. It hurt to hear Cristina so worked up because she knew, along with everybody else, that Callie was now only going through the motions, waiting on the inevitable.

Taking in Callie's silence, she waited just a beat for her words to resignate. "A box, Callie. You'd be in a damn box, six feet under, rotting away with bugs and worms eating your remains and for nothing. What is wrong with you? You need to fight." Cristina lost control and was yelling loud enough to drive her point home. Loud enough for her hard headed friend to hopefully get it. Softening her voice, there was now an edge of desperation in her plea. "You need to fight."

"I'm so tired, Cristina. I lost everything that I thought I was fighting for." Callie shoulders slumped again in defeat. She was too broken to argue.

Callie heard an angry fist slam onto the countertop from somewhere in the kitchen. She jumped at the sound and froze when she heard the unmistakable hiss of pain that followed. Unmistakably Arizona.

"I wasn't given a chance, you took that away from me." Arizona barked angrily. It probably wasn't the best way to announce her presence, but between the shock and anger she was consumed with, she hadn't really thought it through.

Her head shot up, tears in her eyes, as she snapped around to look at Arizona before returning her glazed glare back at her friend. "Cristina, what did you do?"

"What someone should have done three years ago, Cal." Cristina leaned in and completely out of character, kissed Callie's cheek. "Don't hate me." She whispered before she briskly took her leave.

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

_She stood looking at the solid blue paneled door for what seemed like hours, when in actuality only a few minutes had gone by. Looking to the floor Callie took a deep breath, filling her lungs to capacity. "Hey can we talk I'm... I'm sick." Shaking her head at the comment, she knew that she couldn't just blurt that out. "Hey, so about Malawi, um, maybe we could put it off for some time. Maybe until my cancer treatment is done?" She laughed a bit bitterly at that one too. She had no idea what she was going to say, but they had to talk. She could do this. She had to do this. Steadying her shaking hand. she finally garnered her courage and turned the handle to enter the apartment, her brow creasing in confusion when she could hear other voices._

"_Oh look, Callie's home. Yoohoo Callie, it's Barbara. Over here, Arizona move your head. Sheesh, you make a better door than a window."_

_Callie couldn't hide the smile as she saw the older woman wave frantically down the lens as Arizona moved to the side turning and rolling her eyes for Callie to see. The excitement in her voice peaked as Callie waved back. Her smile widened when she saw the Colonel shake his head and grumble as Arizona roared with laughter. The joy in that sound alone stopped all thoughts of breaking her news. Placing her keys in the bowl by the door she tucked the conversation to the back of her head. It could wait. _

"_Callie, come say hi." Barbara waved again, motioning for Callie to join them, almost bouncing on her seat. "The boy next door, Matthew, you remember Matthew?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Well he set this video thing up for us. Skipping, isn't it marvelous? The things you can do nowadays. It's like we're in the same room."_

"_Matthew, right I remember. The boy with the constant need to check his crotch every five minutes. Ew mom, I hope you sanitised the keyboard after he finished." Arizona laughed as her mother scowled at her with a slight smile. Arizona waited for the telling off, but her father's voice replaced her mother's. _

"_Skyping Barbara. Skipping you do with your feet. And we've been able to do this for years, how do you think we talk to our carriers at sea?" The Colonel corrected his wife with an air of superiority to his voice._

_Smacking her husband's arm, Barbara rolled her eyes. "I am not stupid, Daniel, so don't you dare talk down to me. Just because you've been doing it in the service doesn't mean the general public has gotten this technology. I think it's grand, I can see my daughter any time I want, so you sit right there and keep quiet if you're going to be mean!" She scolded him and both Callie and Arizona laughed as he closed his mouth into a pout. "Come join us, Callie dear. Arizona move over and let the girl in." Barbara ordered._

_Looking over her shoulder, she noticed Callie looked pale and that something was wrong. Subjecting her girlfriend to the perkiness of her mother was not happening today. Sparing Callie having to deal with them, she tried to give her a break. "Mom, Callie's just got home, let her be. She had a long day in the OR." Which Arizona wasn't exactly sure was the truth based on Callie's posture alone, but that was the text she'd gotten earlier in the day so she went with it._

"_I'm sorry, Barbara." Callie gave her an apologetic look. "I, uh, I have a few things I need to do first. If you're still on when I'm finished, we'll definitely chat."_

"_Okay, Dear." Barbara waved her off, but she had disappeared into their bedroom before anybody even realized it._

_Arizona turned as she heard the door of their bedroom creek as Callie disappeared around the frame, biting her lip slightly in thought, she spun around to face her mother again and watched her mother's eyes flicker around the screen, she wasn't keeping eye contact, and she realised just by her mother's facial expressions that this wasn't just a casual video call to show her that she had finally stepped into the twenty first century. "Mom, you're acting sporadic. This isn't just a spur of the moment call to show me that you can finally work your laptop. What's wrong?" Arizona eyed her mother suspiciously as Barbara looked quickly at her father before looking back down the lens._

"_Okay there's no need for me to beat around the bush here, I think...I mean would it be possible if you could postpone the Malawi trip for a little while, your father has to go into the hospital…"_

"_Barbara, you promised this wasn't the reason you wanted to speak to Arizona." Shaking his head he pushed his frame more into the lens, his face taking up half the screen now as he edged himself closer. "It's nothing, Child, don't you worry about it. Your mother is over dramatising things again. You have an obligation to those children, so don't you worry about my little operation."_

"_It's not a little operation Daniel!" Barbara pushed him out of shot and he slouched back into the sofa in defeat. "He's having a stent put in." She sounded frantic._

"_Mom, that's a common practice. In and out the very next morning. Complications are minimal. What hospital?" Arizona's voice stayed steady now that she was aware of the problem._

"_That's heart surgery, Arizona Robbins. His heart!" She shook her finger at her daughter, angry and scared._

"_Mom, they don't even cut him open and he'll be awake the entire time. What hospital will he be having the procedure in?" _

"_I'll be at Hopkins. I keep telling your mother to calm down, but she won't listen to me. Maybe she'll listen to you." _

"_Well then he's in great care. Dad's right mom, you need to calm down. He's also right that I have an obligation. Dad will have enough people and doctors around him. These procedures now, with the technology and the educated staff, are like a walk in the park. There are hundreds of thousands of these types of procedures done everyday by doctors trained to do just that. In Malawi they don't have trained surgeons Mom, it's important that I go and do what I'm trained to do. I made a promise and if something happens, I can be on the first plane home. I'll even let them know now that there's a possibility."_

"_You can just pass it off like it's nothing, what if he is dying?"_

"_He's not dying mom. It's an easy procedure. You notice how I'm not saying operation, that's because it's that easy."_

"_Don't you use that condescending tone on me, I get enough of that from your father and I will not tolerate it from you, Young Lady. What if it was Nick? Or Me?" Barbara's voice was raising, she was worrying. _

"_Mom you're being ridiculous now, The only thing you have wrong with you is that you worry... and Nick is fine too. But for talking sake, yes I would go, I made a promise." Arizona stated matter of factly. "You'll be taken care of just fine here if something happens."_

_Callie stood behind the door listening to the conversation, she had been alerted when she heard Barbara's voice uncharacteristically raise. Overhearing this conversation was her death sentence. Their death sentence. _

"_So what you're saying is that there's nothing that would keep you in the states?" Barbara's concern was overbearing, but that had always been the case for them growing up so Arizona was prepared for this._

"_Mom, I have everything in order, nothing is going to happen."_

"_What if you were out in the woods and got mauled by a bear?"_

_Arizona laughed and straightened the laptop screen. "I don't walk in the woods so I think I'm safe." _

"_What if there was an earthquake?"_

"_I live on one of the most dangerous fault lines on this coast and that's never been a problem for you in the past. If it happens, it happens and I can't stop it, but it's not going to stop me, Mom." Arizona sighed dramatically. She knew this conversation was far from over._

"_What if Mt. Rainier erupted?"_

"_Mom, now you are just being ridiculous. I know you are worried about us in Malawi, but we will be fine, we have each other. You now skype, so we can see each other whenever we want and we promise when we have some vacation time under our belts we will be home. Nothing but death, my own death, is going to stop me. Give it up."_

"_What if Callie was sick, you would still just up and leave to go look after strangers, other people's family over your own?" Barbara tried one last ditch effort. _

_Arizona laughed again. "She's as healthy as an ox, Mom. Seriously give it up. We both made a promise and Callie gets that." _

_Callie stood at the bedroom door, her forehead pressed against the cool frame, and listened intently to their conversation. God had she hoped Arizona would have said yes, that she'd stay if Callie was sick. But she didn't. She laughed. She couldn't tell Arizona, she couldn't make her break her promise._

"_Nothing is stopping our girl, Barbara. Stop guilting her." The Colonel interrupted before anybody could get angry. _

_Closing her eyes trying to keep her emotions under wraps she pulled the door open and stepped out into view, a false smile on her face as she joined them. This would probably be the last time she'd get to talk to them and she wanted whatever time she was given._

_As she approached the computer, Barbara smiled again. "Callie, you should really get outside more. I guess Malawi will do you some good, you are awfully pale, Dear."_

_Callie smiled weakly and joined Arizona at the laptop. "You know Seattle, the sun lasts as long as Arizona keeps chocolate in this house." _

_Mimicking her mother from earlier in the conversation, Arizona smacked at Callie's arm except she held a smile on her face. "Hey, chocolate is my comfort food."_

"_And doughnuts, chips, and sweettarts." Her smile now genuine as Barbara laughed and Arizona growled._

"_Don't forget those caramels, too." Daniel belted out his own laugh when Arizona crossed her arms in response._

_Callie sat back and watched the interactions, enjoying living in the moment. She was going to miss this, every one of them._

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

Minutes passed before either spoke.

"Callie..." Arizona broke the stalemate but still refused to move from the kitchen.

Callie shook her head and swallowed deeply. Her voice cracked before completely breaking. "Please, go away, Arizona. Just go away."

"Damn it, Calliope. No." Arizona stormed into the living room to confront Callie. "You're done making decisions for me." She was raging for a fight, prepared to give Callie a piece of her mind, except seeing her in her current condition broke Arizona's resolve.

Her anger quickly drained, replaced with pure fear at the sight in front of her. "What do you need?" She squatted down to Callie's level, babying her hand in her lap.

"Your hand." Callie changed the subject way Arizona was cradling her hand didn't go unnoticed and so she pointed it out.

Standing up, she pulled her hands apart and Arizona shoved her injured hand behind her. She hissed again as she instead jammed it into her back. "Yeah well, granite is a luxury in Malawi and I forgot how hard it can be." She shrugged it off.

"They aren't granite."

"I picked them out myself, Callie. I think I would recognize them." There was a tone in her voice Callie couldn't place. It was like she was speaking to one of her patients. Arizona was speaking down to her.

Breaking eye contact, a welcome reprieve, Callie looked down at her fidgeting hands. "They're quartz. I um, I went with the quartz ones in the same pattern. They were more environmentally friendly."

Arizona laughed, but it lacked both anger and humor. "So what you're saying is that you went behind my back, changed the order, and never told me?"

"I was going to, but then it didn't seem like an issue any longer. You went to Malawi and ..." She grew quiet, the air thick again at the reminder of what she'd done to them.

"You mean in Malawi, where you were supposed to be, too?" Her anger exploded again and as she yelled, she watched Callie flinch but it didn't stop her, she was on a roll. "You lie to me about Malawi. You go ahead and change the countertop order on me when it was supposed to be _our _apartment without consulting me. Anything else I should know? Did you even wait for me to leave or did you do it before we left? Figured because it was being done while we were gone, I'd never know?" She started pacing, angry ranting aimed in Callie's direction.

Remaining quiet, Callie's eyes tracked Arizona as she crossed back and forth in front of her. She felt shame and guilt on overload. "I'm sorry." She whispered, the honesty and pain in her voice stopped Arizona in her tracks.

She didn't want to hear it. Oh, hell no she didn't want to hear any apology coming from Callie's mouth, not now and not in the future. Quickly, Arizona awkwardly chuckled. "Well, I think your quartz just broke my hand." She joked trying to change the subject.

"I'm sorry." Tears streamed down her cheeks as she was just consumed with guilt. "I should have gone with the granite. You're right. I'm sorry. I did it after you left. I didn't do it to hurt you. The granite was on backorder and they'd already torn out the counters and I'd have been without for who knows how long and the quartz was a better option." She wasn't sure what exactly she was apologizing for, she had so much on that list, she knew she had to start somewhere, but she worried she'd also never stop. Callie hiccupped through her quiet sobs, ugly tears going everywhere. "I ruin everything."

Wasn't Arizona living proof of that? Wasn't this why Arizona was here, watching what should have been her life except it now wasn't and it never would be again? She didn't want to make Callie cry, that was far from what she was going for, but now that she was, she didn't feel guilty about it. She was actually annoyed. "You don't get to do this, Callie. You don't get to feel bad and make me feel bad because you're upset. I was joking about the counter, _I _shouldn't have hit it. You don't get to apologize for that especially when you have so much more to be sorry for." Arizona barked.

Scrubbing her hands over her face, Arizona stopped to rub at her eyes. "Damn it, Callie. This shouldn't be so hard. I don't know what to do here. I'm just ... I'm so mad at you. And I ... I'm not trying to be mean, but I can't take this whining, Callie. I can't. I'm sorry."

Arizona shrugged, shaking her head, the look on her face pained, etched with fear."This isn't you, you never roll over in an argument. Damn it, fight Callie!"She didn't know what else to say. Watching Callie wipe at the tears, she saw the weight of this unexpected meeting lift from Callie's shoulders. The relief of absent apologies and lack of need for explanations drained to an exhaustion that was even more powerful and consuming than was there from her silent arrival. It was disconcerting and worry replaced Arizona's conflicted anger.

"What do you need? What can I get you?" She asked with concern.

Callie tried to get up on her own but was too weak. "I need to go to bed. I think." For the moment it seemed as if fighting with Arizona was no longer in the cards for today and she was now past exhausted.

"Here, use me." Arizona leaned in giving Callie support. Her touch, even all these years later, almost brought Arizona to her knees. Swallowing everything she was feeling, she walked Callie into the bedroom she had once shared with her and folded her into bed, gently pulling the comforter over her shivering body.

She stood there over Callie as the woman quickly drifted off to sleep. Silence took over the room as she watched intently, Callie fought against the exhaustion, her eyes fluttering open every few seconds until they became too heavy, her breathing evening out, and sleep taking over. Standing there, she contemplated her next move. Go home. She was going to go home, get some sleep, think things through before she came back to confront Callie. That was a good idea. Giving herself some time and space to distance herself was a really good idea. And she almost made it too. If by almost meant that her brain had made up its mind because her feet never moved toward the door. Looking at Callie's painful expression and the soft moaning in agony, the need to comfort her was too much. Slipping off her shoes, she crawled onto the bed making certain to stay above the covers, to keep from touching her. When Callie's hand shot out and grabbed her shirt in a weak grip, Arizona folded again, pulling Callie in and cuddling her against her body. She was only doing it to warm up the other woman. At least that's what she kept telling herself. It had nothing to do with instinct and need to comfort Callie. Nope, she didn't care.

Hours passed before Arizona loosened her grip on Callie who was still exhaustedly sleeping, her head on Arizona's shoulder, her body curled tight into her side. Her eyes traced Callie's once soft features, slightly hardened since they last lay like this. Arizona was sick to her stomach, Callie's once sexy and curvy body was now mostly skin and bones probably from treatment after treatment. The dark circles under her eyes didn't look new, but as if they were now permanently tattooed upon her face. Her strong Calliope now looked brittle and fragile, and it broke Arizona's heart right down to the core. She promised coming back that Callie would never have another chance to shatter her, but here they were back at square one.

"Oh Callie." Arizona sighed louder than she intended causing the woman in her arms to stir.

"Arizona?" Callie questioned her surroundings, unsure why Arizona was there.

Was it all a dream?

Had she died?

She'd died, hadn't she?

She had dreamt this moment over and over again, wishing more than anything it was Arizona holding her as she left this world, but reality would set in and she'd remember she'd destroyed ever having that a possibility again. Except Arizona was here, and she was in Arizona's arms.

All at once, the events of the day slapped her in the face. She flinched in reflex out of Arizona's arms as they quickly replayed through her foggy head, causing her already fragile stomach to lurch. Before Arizona had time to respond, Callie was off the bed, a staggered and clumsy run for the bathroom. The next sounds Arizona heard were of Callie emptying her stomach followed by painful moans. Little did she know it was for the umpteenth time of the day.

"Calliope." Arizona sighed from the doorway.

"I'm fine. Really." Callie she whispered hoarsely, scooting away from the toilet until her back hit the wall where she slumped down against it welcoming the cool tile against her back, pressing through her thin, sweat-soaked, cotton shirt.

"You are far from fine." Arizona snapped as her emotions were running high. Crossing the room, she joined Callie on the floor, bringing her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them for comfort. She was so angry and she was hurting. Both, fighting for dominance.

Arizona squeezed her eyes shut, willing the tears to stay at bay. She wanted answers. She _deserved _answers, but with emotions running all over the place, maybe it wasn't such a smart plan today. Either way it played out, today she'd be brave, she had plenty of time to fall apart later.

They sat in complete silence, unsure how to deal with the other, how to deal with the situation at hand. This wasn't how Callie wanted Arizona to find out. Hell, after learning she'd moved on during her time in Malawi, it was never in her plan for Arizona to find out. And for Arizona, she had planned to _eventually _confront Callie. Maybe throw her happiness in her face as a bitter slap. But it was supposed to be in her time, on her terms, on her turf. _This _wasn't supposed to be the plan. This was never the plan, and since both women were in the deep end here, it was time to sink or swim.

Callie's labored breathing broke through Arizona's train of thought throwing her back into reality with a thud.

"You knew, you knew when you put me on that plane." Arizona finally broke the silence. Her voice was broken and accusatory and angry.

Callie knew Arizona expected no response and let her continue, only nodding.

She didn't want an answer, she had things to say first, but the silence only annoyed her and she snapped again. "I would have stayed. I would have helped you fight this." Arizona spoke through gritted teeth.

"I know." Callie's answer, barely a whisper, was doing nothing for Arizona's temper.

"Why?" She raised her voice, the question both painful and hard to swallow. So she _did_ indeed need some answers today, another plan not going as expected, but Arizona needed _something _to go on in order for her to be able to decide her next plan of action here. As if her next plan was going to follow through any better than the other ones.

"You needed to go. I wasn't going to be the reason you lost everything." Callie's voice was still barely audible. The pain she'd caused Arizona, the physical pain she was in, added to the emotional heartache were all too much to bear.

"What I needed was you. _You _were my everything." Arizona's voice grew angrier and angrier. She'd lost all control and immediately felt guilty for it.

Callie flinched at the bitterness vibrating off of Arizona. She'd expected this, but was still never going to be prepared for it. "And if I didn't make it? If I died? What then Arizona? You deserved to live even if I wasn't going to." Callie's voice cracked with the knowledge that this time, death really was on the table.

"Damn it, Calliope. You had no right to take that away from me." Arizona's walls were crumbling and she couldn't stop it no matter how hard she tried. "No right!"

"I'm sorry." Callie responded genuinely. Until that moment she hadn't realized just how truly sorry she was over everything, and while Arizona could hear the truth in her words, at this point it mattered very little.

They stayed on the floor, in silence. All that could be heard was the intake of oxygen into the lungs and, on occasion, a hard exhale. It was a stalemate, neither knowing what the hell to say to the other. They sat in their self-imposed silence for almost an entire hour before Arizona could handle no more. Not today anyway. Silently she rose from the floor and walked out without so much as a look back. Her shoulders slumped, her gait slow and dragging as if her body weighed a million tons and she could barely move it, she was so burdened with grief. Arizona had so much to say but nothing would come out, the tears she held back were threatening every ounce of her being, and she needed space. She needed to survive. As she shut the front door, she heard Callie call out her name but she couldn't bear to return and face her right now. Right now she couldn't face anybody. Teddy ... Teddy let her cry and bad mouth Callie, hate Callie and never once ever spoke up. Arizona hated them all right now and worst of all, Arizona hated herself.

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

"Do you want to talk about it, yet?" Tara asked from the doorway of their bedroom. To say she was concerned was an understatement, but concern was also mixed with anger, too. She did not sign up for this shit; a dying ex-girlfriend was drama she didn't want.

Arizona just buried her head further into the pillow, guilt now adding itself to every other emotion du jour. How was she supposed to explain to her girlfriend of the past year and a half that she found out that her ex-girlfriend still loved her? That Callie didn't discard her like last weeks garbage, but left her to save her heartache and grief. That ... that Arizona still loved Callie as much now as she did the day that she fell in love with the woman. Even with the lies and the pain, Arizona couldn't turn off her emotions. She never could where Callie was concerned. Even though Arizona had made sure she'd never love anybody that much again so they could never hurt her again, she hadn't truly ever stopped in regards to the one woman that hurt her. No, not just hurt her but broke her into a million jagged pieces. Even Tara went into their relationship knowing very well that Arizona was holding back due to previous heartbreak but don't we all? Everybody had scars and Tara understood and not only sympathized with Arizona, but empathized. And for them, it was never about the past or future, it was always in the right now, but even that being the platform for their relationship, it was still painful.

"Not tonight, Tara." Arizona spoke muffled into her pillow trying to mask the grief in her voice.

"I'll be here when you're ready." Tara reminded her and closed the door when she left to give her girlfriend the time she needed. She hated seeing Arizona so broken. The only other time she'd seen her so distraught was after her arrival in Malawi and it took almost a year for Arizona to come out of that.

Another layer of guilt washed over Arizona. She'd fought back, she came back from it and built a life again. A life that now included Tara and now, in the space of twelve hours, it was all crumbling down around her again.

Grabbing her pillows tight in her arms, Arizona hid her head against the soft cotton of the remaining pillow and sobbed. It didn't take long for the wetness to soak through from the torrent of tears. Her throat was raw and her eyes so swollen she could barely see. As she cried herself into a deep sleep, she didn't even feel when Tara came to bed. When she was wrapped her tight in her arms, her mind played horrible tricks on her heart. For Arizona, it was it was three years earlier and the arms around her were Callie's. She felt safe and for the first time in three years, Arizona didn't have any nightmares.

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

"Cal?" Mark yelled through the apartment while he unloaded the groceries he'd picked up. They were his peace offering, hoping Callie accepted him with open arms, forgave him, talked to him, anything at this point.

"Callie!" He bellowed in his friendliest tone hoping to remind Callie he was not the enemy. He grew nervous when he received no response and at the silence of his second call, Mark abandoned the food and went in search of Callie with his heart in his throat. Sweat covered his body as he found her bedroom empty, the door to the bathroom cracked just enough to see feet laying on the floor. Every time he came through that door, his greatest fear was that he'd find his best friend dead and as she grew weaker and weaker, he knew he was that much closer to it being a reality.

Easing open the door he found Callie sitting against the wall. "Callie." Mark said releasing a sigh of relief when he found her alive even if she'd seen better days.

Callie didn't bother to look up. Tears still streamed down her cheeks and she felt like her heart was in a vice. _What had she done?_

"Come on, Baby." He aided her in getting up off of the bathroom floor and led her out to the kitchen where he parked her on the bar stool.

"She came by," Callie whispered, tears still falling down her already stained cheeks.

"Did you talk?" Mark acted surprised, but he'd already known that Arizona had been here. Cristina had called him, warned him of what she'd done, and lectured him for not doing it sooner. While he wasn't pleased of the mess he knew she'd made, he was relieved he wasn't the one who told Arizona. He was already in enough trouble with Callie and didn't need another nail in his coffin. When she didn't respond, he asked again. "Did you two talk?"

"Yes. No. No, not really. She's mad. And hurt ... I don't know. She just ... she left." Callie's voice was raw and hoarse, she sounded like she'd been eating sandpaper and he could only imagine how her throat felt.

"Give her time." Mark rubbed her back, kissing her forehead. "Just give her time." He prayed silently that they had time, but knowing very well that they were running out.

**To Be Continued **


	4. To Err is Human To Forgive…Freaking Hard

**Authors' Notes: **Thank you for your patience. My holiday was lovely and completely WIFI-free which wasn't such a bad thing. The next chapter is in the works of editing so it shouldn't be anywhere near a wait as this one was to be posted. As always, super thanks goes to Shinata-Riyoko for her beta-powers. Anything wrong with the chapter is all on us. We totally appreciate all the wonderful feedback and love hearing from you. Your encouragement truly keeps us going. Enjoy the next chapter.

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**Bone Deep Chapter Four: To Err is Human To Forgive...**_**Freaking Hard **_

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

The thing about guilt is that it eats at you, paranoia builds, and you question everything. It gnaws, grows toxic in your belly, in your heart, and it doesn't matter how it came about, that it came from a genuine need to shield someone from the pain you have to suffer, they don't need to suffer, too – but it still attacks.

One, two days passed in complete silence and Callie expected it, she deserved it. Three days passed without a word from Arizona and Callie grew defeated all over again, but refused to let on. No, her friends didn't need more to worry about. On the fourth day, mid afternoon, a loud knock on the door woke Callie from a restless nap.

Begrudgingly she made her way over to the door, annoyed at the interruption, only to see Arizona standing there. If one's heart could literally stop beating at the sight of someone else, her heart would have done just that. Her mouth fell open in surprise, any sound made was lost in the crinkling of the brown bag she found shoved into her hands.

"It's soup, you need to eat." Arizona's face blank, her voice lacking emotion, her hands as steady as the surgeon she was trained to be. Without making eye contact, she turned and disappeared down the hallway leaving Callie standing breathless and confused in her wake.

This went on day after day for five consecutive days.

Each day Arizona would drop off food, sometimes soup, sometimes sandwiches, salads, all bland, whatever the speciality at the hospital would be and, if she wasn't working, whatever the deli down the street had available. The first day after her new routine, she noted that instead of answering the door in pajamas with messy hair, Callie's hair was pulled back and she had on clean pajamas, also the apartment seemed cleaner than it had been for a while. The next day, Callie might have had on oversized sweats, but it was a nice change from night-clothes. Four days in, there was a glow to her skin and a light shade of makeup when she answered the door. While Arizona would drop food off and say nothing else before departing, Callie didn't speak either aside from a whispered thank you with Arizona already down the hall. On the fifth day when Callie could take the silence no more, she finally found the courage and called after her.

"Arizona?"

She waited as Arizona froze in her tracks and spun around with obvious anger burning in her eyes. Her body was vibrating with unresolved emotions as she made her way back to the open door.

Reaching the doorway where Callie stood in three long strides, Arizona glared at her. Poking her finger at Callie's chest, her face red with anger, as the pent up anger Arizona had been housing for three years sprung forward, feral and emotion fueled, she rolled her eyes as the other woman recoiled under her glare, Callie wasn't ready. She took several deep breaths to calm herself before she said something she'd regret. "I am nowhere near ready to talk to you Calliope Torres, and you aren't strong enough to listen either. So eat. If you want to talk to me, you'll keep eating and getting stronger because I plan on yelling ... a lot. And I will not have you breaking down on me. Eat." She turned and walked away having said her piece.

By the end of the second week, Callie's dark circles had begun to fade and Arizona swore her pasty skin had really started to get a glow back to it, no makeup needed to help it along. Her intention to build up to her confrontation with the person who crushed her, the person who ripped her heart out and stomped on it, was beginning to crumble away with each time she set eyes on her.

It was a slow progress to this feeling and at first she didn't mean it. It was a simple brush of the arm, hand, fingers on the exchange of the lunch bag to set her alight, and she cursed herself for feeling something other than unresolved anger. She needed to stick to her plan, in - out, no pleasantries; get her stronger so she could rip her a new asshole, but it all started to go south.

She began to take more time turning away, longer glances which led to her still being in the room one time when Callie dropped the bag by mistake. Struggling to make her knees bend, she offered her a gentle hand as the woman paused at ground level, unable to get the power in her legs to get her upright once more.

Little things began to happen unintentionally like letting her fingertips graze the soft skin of her cheek longer than she wanted when the short thinning hair fell from its band. Calliope's hair was always so thick and vibrant, and here, it just showed how ill she was.

She'd told herself this was the best way, she was so scared to let Callie back into her heart, it was best for self preservation. She didn't love Callie, she kept telling herself that, maybe eventually her heart would follow her brain. Callie had shattered her heart three years ago and Arizona promised she wouldn't let her hold that much power over her again - yet here she was, her psychological armour cracking, shield falling, and her sword dulling. It was Calliope, and she needed her. She just wasn't strong enough to deal with this herself yet, so the lunch dates continued until she thought they both could deal with it.

**GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

Teddy had been pacing back and forth outside of the closed door for over ten minutes. It had been far too long since she'd seen her best friend because every time she was in the vicinity of Arizona, the other woman took off for high ground. She missed her best friend and this wasn't fair. Arizona was just as guilty for having her keep secrets even if it was an unspoken request on her part. Teddy knew Arizona had no real intention of disclosing Tara to Callie; it was supposed to have been _just sex _all along. She wasn't even certain when things had changed for Arizona to have brought Tara back to the states with her.

With her hands shaking, she reached for the lounge door and slowly turned the knob, pushing the door ajar. Taking another deep breath, she nudged it farther open until she stood staring at her best friend on the couch.

When nobody came into the room and sound continued to pour into the lounge from the hallway, Arizona found herself on edge again. She could sense Teddy's presence and was immediately annoyed. Without looking up from her paper, she set a scowl upon her face that Teddy could see just by the rise of creases in her forehead.

"Can I help you?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Either come in and close the door, or leave ... and close the door." Arizona growled. "Preferably the latter, please."

Ignoring Arizona's expected attitude, Teddy continued to stand in the doorway, still too scared to completely go inside. "How'd you do it?" She asked timidly expecting the bark to turn into a bite.

"Do what, _Theodora_?" Arizona asked coldly.

The use of her full name should have added to her fears, but Teddy was just as annoyed with Arizona and her patience was running thin. "Get her to eat?" Teddy's snappy response left little room for her friend to bite back.

Hearing the same level of anger in Teddy's voice, she pulled back just a bit. "Oh that?" She asked as if it wasn't news. It was damn big news to anybody that knew Callie. "I don't know." She shrugged and the icy chill that had been surrounding her for weeks melted a little finding out Callie really was eating the meals she took over aside from the few short times she waited the other woman out in eating before she left. "I didn't really do anything." She looked up from her paper blockade with a sheen of tears in her eyes and her voice shaky. "I was hoping she'd eat, but I wasn't always sure."

Stepping farther into the room, Teddy pushed the door shut behind her with a solid slam. Watching Arizona jump at the unexpected sound shook Teddy's own tears loose. "She begged me not to tell you. Made me promise. I couldn't." She broke into sobbing tears.

Her own tears following suit, Arizona shook her head trying to form words. She just kept glaring at Teddy, shaking her head, mouth gaping like a fish. "You should have. You let me hate her." Arizona snapped, the ice returning to her voice. "I expected this from Mark, but you _were _my best friend and you let me wish her dead." She ended on a whisper, the words burning her tongue to speak aloud.

"And pray tell, how would I have made that phone call? Oh right, Arizona, your ex-girlfriend is dying, come home?" Teddy responded sarcastically. "Or how about, could you take ten seconds from fucking your nurse's brains out? I have something important to talk to you about. You know, most of our conversations were about how good your sex life was or about the damn weather because you were too afraid to ask about life in Seattle. You were too scared to ask about Callie. And because I was attached to both, you wouldn't even ask about me. I was the one that found her on the floor after she was told her remission was over. I was the one that made her eat and sleep, and shower, and gave her something to fight for, and when I called you, when I tried to talk to you, to tell you that you needed to come home, you knew I needed to talk about something important, you decide to tell me you were in love with Tara instead. How was I supposed to know you'd even care to come home after that declaration?"

"I would have." Arizona held her ground.

"Come on, Arizona, you didn't want to hear it. And she would have hated us all. You kept her alive for three years. She fought to come back to you. You both had wars to fight, Arizona, and yours was there. You gave her a reason to fight and whether you believe it or not, that's why she's still alive." Teddy wiped at her wet cheeks.

"Barely." Arizona whispered, the fight now drained out of her, too.

"Don't!" Teddy growled. "Don't you dare give up on her, yet." She snapped, sending one last glare in Arizona's direction before she left, slamming the door hard behind her.

"I never did." Arizona whispered to the empty room. "I never did."

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

_Rubbing her fingers hard over the top of the paper, she stood back and admired her makeshift sign taped to the door. She had told everyone that she was not to be disturbed, no matter what, she was having this thirty minutes. This video call was the one – the 'No more beating around the bush and dancing over the Callie shaped issues' Skype call. The guilt of keeping this secret was killing her, not that it had been hard because, well, Arizona had made it so easy for her by refusing to talk about Callie. But today, Teddy was going to tell Arizona that Callie was really ill and she had to come home and she had the 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign to prove it._

_Taking one last look around the hall she wet her lips and swallowed hard as she made her way back into her office and took a seat at her desk. Signing into the blue screen, she watched as the white symbol swirled around while it loaded. God, it was getting warm in here._

_Teddy sat there staring at Dr A Robbins for what felt like ages before the little voice bubble icon next to it turned green indicating that Arizona was online now. She felt like her heart was in her mouth, but she could do this. Start out slowly, ask how she is, maybe if the weather has been good, if it's sunny…no wait that's a daft question, it's Africa, of course the weather's sunny. Teddy started to get herself flustered as the video call chime sounded, she hovered over the answer call button, her brain trying to calm the panic down. She fought with herself as her finger hit the mouse button to accept the incoming call._

"_Teddy? Hey!" Arizona sat smiling and Teddy immediately noted that it was a completely over the top smile. She had known Arizona to do it in the past, particularly when she was really trying with Mark, and here she was doing it to her. "I'm surprised we managed to get our schedules to match up." Again, forced happiness was present. They had been trying, well Teddy had been trying to video chat for a while now, but something always came up. This time she made sure nothing was going to get in her way._

"_Yeah, it's great that our schedules just managed to align. Must be fate." Teddy smiled back. Fate had nothing to do with it. She had warned Yang that if anyone interrupted her then she was off of her service for a month. The smaller woman, then went about putting the department on lockdown and that everything that needed Teddy's attention went to her first. She also browbeat Arizona into a sit-down using guilt, tons of guilt._

"_So…" Arizona looked down away from the camera, there was an unnaturally long pause while Arizona thought of something to ask. "How's the weather?"_

"_Grey. How's the weather there?" Teddy rolled her eyes at the question, it was out of her mouth before she could stop it. Everything was awkward, it was horrible, and she was just about to suck it up and say what she needed to when she heard a noise from Arizona she genuinely never thought she'd ever hear again from the woman. Laughter._

"_Hotter than Satan's balls!" Arizona laughed as she saw Teddy's brows raise in surprise that such a comment came from her mouth. "Tara says it constantly, she has such a potty mouth. In the bedroom too, if you know what I mean." Arizona wiggled her eyebrows and Teddy sat there in shock that, firstly, Arizona had even told her that and that she had a relationship with her scrub nurse._

"_Tara, your nurse? The angry one. You're sleeping with her?" Teddy was shocked, when Arizona had told her about her staff she had laughed, Arizona had described Tara as someone completely the opposite to her and she was worlds apart from the person Callie was; Arizona wasn't fond of her from the beginning._

"_Yeah, it turns out we have a lot in common. We bonded over our mutual need for our bit ..." Arizona paused trying to spit the word out. She wanted so much to be able to call Callie a bitch, but she just couldn't form the damn word. "We bonded over wanting our exes to die of very excruciating, incurable diseases. We were talking about how much we hate them for what they did to us and it just happened, the next thing we were screwing on my office desk." Arizona internally grimaced as she pasted on another cheesy grin, once again hoping that it would mask her true feelings. What had actually happened that night was two people trying to fuck the memory of their previous partners away. No passion, loving kisses, or comforting embraces, just carnal need. Erratic and clumsy fingers pulled at material, not removing, just trying to get under. They both slipped their fingers around each others panties, arousal just barely enough to get through the deed. Weeks down the line they were still using each other to get through the day._

"_You've changed. You would never have told me anything like that with Callie." Teddy cringed , she didn't mean to say her name out loud._

"_Well, I have changed. I'm no longer letting that ..." Arizona tried again to call Callie out. To put a name to the ruin of her life. Taking a deep breath, the snappiness of her voice let away to a sadness. "I'm no longer letting her or the memory of her, ruin my life." Garnering any emotion other than the dread of loneliness and sadness she was currently feeling, she closed her eyes and remembered how it felt to stand alone in the African airport, her life in shambles. "She left me in a fucking airport Teddy. No explanation. She's dead to me…not even worth the air of saying her name. I'm done, Teddy, I'm never letting anyone hurt me like that again. Dead to me." Arizona shook her head, she was getting angry that again Callie was on her mind, and it was Teddy's fault. She was getting angry because she missed Callie 24-7. Even two years later, she missed her with every part of her being because she never got closure and she needed that damn closure. Talking about her just hurt worse if that was at all possible. "Teddy, I don't want to talk about her. I will end this conversation now."_

"_No…No its fine." Teddy didn't know why she panicked, there was no way to say what she needed to her now, if she did then the guilt of wishing Callie dead would be too much. When she went to have this conversation a little under two years ago, Arizona refused her calls and hung up the chat if she so much looked like she was going to mention Callie, so Teddy knew she was serious. She knew she had to play it cool for the moment, if she brought anything up about Callie just now, Arizona would refuse to talk to her and she couldn't risk that. There was going to be a time when Teddy had no choice and she needed Arizona to be receptive and not combative to her call when she was forced by circumstances. Except as Teddy changed the subject, she couldn't help but wonder how soon that phone call was going to have to be. "Have you got any unique cases?" Teddy watched as Arizona for the first time in this correspondence genuinely smiled._

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA**

Knowing now that staying at the hospital without a breakdown was not going to happen, she grabbed her purse from the old supply closet that was now her make-shift office until she returned on staff for more than consulting and OR time. Not bothering to change from her scrubs, she escaped from the side door where she wouldn't be seen.

Two hours later, Arizona still sat on the steps to Callie's building, not sure she was ready to go in. It had been three weeks and, until today, she hadn't realized just how comfortable she'd gotten in this daily routine with Callie. She no longer knocked, always letting herself in the unlocked door. There was no second thought about it and yesterday, when she'd set a plate for Callie, she even set a small one for herself so she could stick around to be certain Callie ate the veggie sandwich she'd brought. The iron and vitamin D both something Callie desperately needed and she wanted her to eat it all if possible. It didn't occur to her that it was probably inappropriate for her to be in the apartment while Callie showered or sit around eating with her while she was dressed only in a bathrobe.

Callie watched from her window as Arizona paced in front of her building before she gave up hope just as the sun was setting. Arizona had disappeared from view about twenty minutes prior and as the sun set, her heart sank with it. Callie stood watch every day since Arizona started bringing her over food, waiting at the window until she saw blonde hair on the sidewalks below heading in her direction. After the first week, Callie started leaving the front door unlocked and Arizona would let herself in, put the food on the counter, and leave again. Sometimes Callie stood at the bar counter and waited in silence as Arizona quietly came and went. It was a baby step, but still a step forward, and it gave her hope. Yesterday her hope had become pure joy giving her full energy to live off of, until today. When Arizona didn't come through the door, today; when she disappeared from the front of the apartment building, Callie came to the conclusion that Arizona was truly done with her. Yesterday was just too much. Hope was one of the few things Callie had left, very little hope, and she was losing the last of it. Resigned to the fact that she'd be alone tonight, Callie let herself go.

Sitting on the couch, she angrily grabbed a throw pillow, hauling it across the room. When she heard a vase hit the floor, shattering on impact, her temper exploded in rage. Grabbing another pillow in both hands, a vice grip on the fabric, she screamed, the hollow echo of violence in her yell echoing off the walls, as she used what energy she had left to tear the pillow into two. Her bone breaking hands weakened, a pencil wouldn't even bend under the pressure, the fabric barely stretched in her grip. Sobbing, she clutched the pillow to her chest, a security blanket in the midst of her breakdown. She was feeling sorry for herself and, in the throes of her self pitying meltdown, she begged and pleaded with her God, for life, for death, she wasn't sure which, but she just wanted the pain to stop. Exhausted from her outburst, Callie collapsed onto the cushions of the couch, curling herself into the fetal position, the tightest ball humanly possible, her sobs continued to echo off of the walls of the apartment and the empty cavity where her heart once beat until the welcomed silence of sleep took over.

"_Callie, it's just me." She shouted so that the other woman was aware, reaching into the fridge as she did, bringing out a bottle of water she poured some into the glass as she watched Callie come into the room, tying her robe belt into a knot._

"_Hey, I thought I heard you." Callie knew it was her, everyday she came around the same time, even if she was a bit early today. When she realised that, Callie began to make sure she was looking the best she could. Unfortunately today had been another bad day and she knew she didn't want to let Arizona see her that low again, so jumping in the shower covered that, but she had no time to change when she heard Arizona was already here._

"_I brought you some veggies. They're plain, lightly grilled, no sauces, so you should be able to keep it down. Thought since you'd been doing so well recently, we could try?" Arizona smiled softly and Callie noted, that the smile was not forced like it had been for almost twenty-one days straight now. _

"_Thank you." Callie sat at the breakfast bar and watched as Arizona took a seat and had a plate of her own. Callie smiled softly as she watched Arizona take a bite from her sandwich._

_As she watched Arizona's sandwich return to her plate, she realized what they were eating. "Sandwiches?" As soon as the question left Callie's mouth, she cringed, expecting the placid atmosphere to disintegrate and gunfire to ignite. She was quite literally about to dive for cover, but the soft laughter that bubbled from Arizona had her watching the smile that she had missed so much._

"_Living in Africa, I've realised there are worse things than sandwiches to eat. There was this rice based meal, oh Callie you should have tasted it…" Arizona physically shoved the sandwich into her mouth to stop herself talking and both woman dropped into a pleasant silence eating lunch together._

"You let me hate you." She yelled, startling Callie from her restless slumber. "You thought it was better for me to hate you than to lose you, and in the end, you got both anyway. You let me regret the best times of my life. You're selfish and you're a fool." Arizona was pacing in front of her, arms flailing wildly, dramatic movements all around.

"Arizona?" Callie quickly sat up, her head spinning slightly under the unexpected movement.

"No!" Her hand flew, palm facing out, Callie flinching as if she was about to be hit. "You don't get to talk, yet. No!" Arizona stopped pacing altogether, staring down Callie with a look of concern and anger in her eyes. She knew she had to say what she needed to, because if Callie said anything, the mere sound of her voice would break her resolve, and she needed to say her peace or they could never move forward. "I won't even pretend I understand what you went through, are _going _through, but you're going to hear what _I _went through, Callie. You're going to listen, do you hear me?" Arizona was ranting, her body shaking with anger, and even Callie knew better than to argue.

"Do you know what it feels like to sob at the memory of your lover's embrace with disgust?" Arizona waited until she was certain she had Callie's attention with that.

"Do you know what it's like to spend day after day willing every part of yourself to forget what she felt like, to forget how she made you feel? To hate her? To take every special moment you shared together and toss them aside? Strip every meaning from them just to survive?" She paused as the memories bombarded her, the pain still just as fresh as it was three years before.

She took a deep breath, tears now slowly making their way down her cheeks. "Every day I hated you. And I hated myself even more for hating you. I made myself sick trying to figure out what went wrong. What _I _did wrong." She whispered.

"I tried everything to forget you, to move on, and when nothing would work, I had no choice but to move on knowing my heart would never be complete again. I knew that, but I was dying. I was dying from a freaking broken heart and I had no choice. Every day I hated you, I died a little more. While you were here alone fighting to live, I was there alone fighting to live. It's not the same thing, I know that, but you had no right, Callie. None!"

Silence filled the stale air as they stared each other down. "Arizona ... I'm sorry." Callie sat stunned into shock by the truth and venom in Arizona's words. The venom the result of her own actions, the poison running deep in her own body.

"You're sorry? You're sorry? You're sorry?" Arizona laughed bitterly. "Why? Because I found out? What would you have done had ... had I returned and you weren't dying?" It burned to say that word. "Would you have ever even told me? You're selfish, Callie. Selfish!" She yelled and when Callie flinched, she pulled back just a bit. She wanted to be heard and didn't want Callie on the defensive.

"I didn't just sign on for the best and not the worst, the healthy and not the sick, when I fell in love with you, but you ... you didn't even care enough about me, about how I was holding up, about how being without you ... what it would do to me." Arizona stopped to face Callie for the next part, choosing her next words very carefully to make the best impact, the hardest punch.

"You didn't love me enough, Callie. And now I have to deal with all these feelings of abandonment all over again. But now I get to be selfish ...you're going to fight this. You're going to win. I don't care if you're tired, I'm not giving you a choice this time around. If I have to live with all this pain the rest of my life, so do you. You're not allowed to die, Calliope Torres. You're not going to, because fifty years from now, I want you to still feel the same heartbreak I do. Death is not getting you out of that. Do you hear me?" Arizona watched tears streaming down Calle's cheeks as she silently nodded in response.

"Death is not an option." She spoke firmly with what little control she had left.

Wanting to reach forward and wipe the tears away, to take the pain out of Callie's eyes, Arizona fisted her hands into balls. _NO_. She was not falling for Callie's broken hearted look.

Clearing her throat, Arizona took a deep breath and spoke with a calm and collect voice. "Now that we've cleared the air, I'll see you tomorrow." Arizona started for the door, and Callie, following her with her head, noticed the brown bag that Arizona had put on the bar before she began her tirade. Even when she was coming over to tear her a new one, Arizona _still _brought food.

"Tomorrow?" Callie asked confused.

"Lunch!" She looked at Callie as if it was obvious. "I lost the love of my life, Callie, but I'm not about to lose you, too." Arizona shrugged trying to downplay everything.

"See you tomorrow." Callie whispered after Arizona was long gone. She wasn't exactly sure what had happened here but, once again, Callie had something to look forward to tomorrow. She still had hope and that was going to have to be enough.

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

Tara stood over her girlfriend who had been sitting there quietly staring off into space for the past several hours. This had been going on for weeks now and she was at wits end. Something had turned the tables today, Arizona returned home upset and unresponsive, and Tara _knew _Callie was once again behind this mood.

"Are you sure you can handle this?" She asked nervously, trying to sound sympathetic even if she was far from it.

"Huh? What?" Arizona came back from the safe world she'd created in her head, but wasn't sure what Tara had said.

"I asked you if you can handle this, Babe. I hate watching what it's doing to you."

Arizona looked up at her girlfriend and tried not to crack under her hard stare. "I'm fine." She tried to keep the facade, except Tara wasn't stupid, and she knew it was an insult to lie to her. "I don't know." She shrugged and sighed.

"Arizona, we know what's at stake here. We're both medical professionals, we know the chances. Can you really lose her all over again, but this time permanently?" Tara was _really_ trying to be sympathetic, but she was so tired of the constant bad mood Arizona's ex had put her in since almost their arrival in Seattle. Since they had got to Seattle, Arizona hadn't let her touch her, the airport happiness replaced by coldness, since she saw that bitch waiting for her. She didn't move across the fucking globe for this bullshit. This wasn't discussed. It was hard enough living with the ghost of Arizona's ex-girlfriend fucking with her life, but having her in their life, flesh and bones, was not something she signed on for when they decided to return to the states, together.

"Callie is the perfect example of why, as doctors and nurses, we don't get attached or we _shouldn't _get attached to our patients. We can hope for the best, but we have medical training, we know the risks are too high. Arizona, you're not responsible for her any longer and if you become too attached, what then? I'm worried for you. Like I already asked, can you really deal with losing her permanently?"

"Last time I thought it was permanent." Arizona lashed out. She could hear Tara's underlying annoyance and it only served to set her on edge.

"Yeah I know, you promised if we returned to your home town, she was already dead to you. Can't you just pretend she's already there? For us, for Christ's sake, Arizona. She is destroying us." Tara barked back.

Shocked by the malevolence in her girlfriend's voice, Arizona's heart raced as she filled with anger. "That ... that's irrelevant. And it doesn't matter since she _is _dying, Tara. God, how can you be so insensitive?"

"You're still fucking in love with her, aren't you?" Tara fisted her hands at her sides, she so wanted to hit something and hit it hard. Stepping back from her girlfriend before it was Arizona that connected with her fists, she began to pace. "For fuck sake, Arizona, you still love this woman. After what she did to you? She destroyed you. You were nothing when I met you. _Nothing._ She destroyed your confidence, self esteem, self worth, and you're going to let her do it again? Are you really that pathetically weak? We talked about this before we left Malawi, you invited me! You let me believe that you were opening up that brittle little heart of yours and letting me further in. I didn't ask to move in with you - YOU ASKED ME, REMEMBER?"

Arizona was stunned by the outburst, but she couldn't say she was surprised. Tara had a temper on her, but she'd never been on the receiving end of it, until now.

"YOU were using me weren't you? YOU just wanted to make her jealous? God, what a fool you've made of me. I can't believe I ever trusted you. What was I? Somebody to make you feel good about yourself after, after that cunt ruined you? And what now? You're going to go back to her because she has some sob story about dying? Is she even dying? How do you know this isn't some ploy to fuck with you some more? You're such an easy fool to manipulate, but I'm guessing she already knew that about you or we wouldn't be having this fight." Tara was on a roll and didn't care what she said or how she said it.

"If I were you, I'd stop before you said anything else." Arizona warned her.

"And what are you going to do about it? You couldn't even handle ten minutes back on the same continent as her without folding to her will. You're weak and useless, and I don't know why I even bothered."

"Tara Benson, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you're angry and hurting, but you really need to walk away right now and we'll talk when you've cooled down and apologized." Arizona was giving her an out, giving her a chance to take it back and make it right. She wasn't sure why, but she needed to right things with her girlfriend. Afterall, this was her fault. Maybe not Tara's exact reaction, but the fact that she'd pushed her girlfriend to feeling so insecure.

"Me, apologize? Are you fucking smoking something? YOU should be apologizing to ME. You dragged me across the fucking world with the promise of a future and you caved immediately upon arrival. IMMEDIATELY. And you have spent the last eighteen months lying to me. You never stopped loving her. You're still in love with her and you fucked me over, royally. I should have gone home to Boston and never trusted you. The sex wasn't even that good." She was screaming so loudly that Arizona feared her neighbors were going to call the authorities. She had to stop this, now.

"Get out. Just get the hell out." Arizona tried desperately to remain calm.

Tara laughed bitterly throwing one last glare in Arizona's direction. "Competing with the ghost of her was one thing, but losing to the reality of her, yeah never figured that one in the equation, but don't worry, you'll get your wish. I'm done with you. You're washed up and she can have you back. What was I thinking? I obviously mistook this for love, but I guess the truth was a lack of options for a good fuck. I am so done. I hope she dies a horrible and painful death. That's what you both deserve." She shook her head and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door as hard and loudly as she could behind her.

**GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

There's this thing that happens – It happens to everyone at some point in their life. For some folks, it can happen more than once, and when it does, it can feel as though life is just slowly draining from you; you feel lost, numb. When the brain and the heart initiate a fierce and ugly war, like the one currently attacking, wreckage and spoil will follow and the winner will show the exact truth of the matter. It's often described as an epiphany, a moment of sudden and great revelation or realization. Clarity.

The vile tirade that had left the woman's lips shocked her, she knew that Tara had a temper and nasty side, but it wasn't that, that had left her unable to move, frozen in the same position for over the last hour. It was what her comments had made her realize. The battle between her heart and her head. She was _not _in love with Callie Torres. _She wasn't_.

The only thing Tara was right about was how badly Callie had destroyed her...no she didn't love her. She couldn't. You didn't fall back in love with a dying woman...unless you never stopped. Sympathy, that had to be it, because she didn't love her. She didn't. Damn it, the only reason she was even thinking it was because Tara put the damn thought in her head, it wasn't true...was it? Damn it, she was not putting herself back into this ... this life. So why was she? Callie had easily walked away regardless of her reasons and Arizona needed to accept that three years ago, in that airport when Callie chose to let her go, push her away, that it was simply over. They were over. She wasn't doing this again. She could not love Callie. No, she did not want to love Callie. And yet, she was already in so deep, she saw no other way. You couldn't fight your heart no matter how hard you tried, only hide from it until it gave you no choice but to face reality. This was reality.


	5. Hell Hath No Fury

**A/N: **_Thank you as always goes to our very lovely beta Shinata-Riyoko, she has a difficult job and we very much appreciate her talents. Enjoy and please give Arizona a chance. She's grieving and mourning and she comes around soon, I promise and it's REALLY sweet and dare I say, fluffy a bit after that! We just have to get over this hump and we're almost there. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments and messages; you're all very lovely and encouraging people._

* * *

**Chapter Five**_**:**_** Hell Hath No Fury**

Life's a dance, you learn as you go; sometimes you lead, and sometimes you follow. The music is forever changing and not everyone will like the beat that is playing all the time. The dance can be slow, fast, aggressive or sensual, you don't have to know how to dance to join it. _To dance is just a vertical expression of a horizontal desire._ Callie felt like she'd just taken part in a dance, one step forward - three steps back, maybe ice skating would be a more accurate description as she was definitely feeling the coldness from Arizona. She'd taken the lead when she made the decision to let her go live her life before, maybe it was time to allow Arizona to lead, she had to just follow, skate in time with the beat.

After Arizona had firmly put her in her place, Callie had given her the space she needed. With each food delivery, Arizona pulled back a little more each time. She became shy and reserved, unable to look Callie in the eye again. The damage she had done, she knew would take time to not only forgive, but heal as well. There were no more lunch dates to follow, only quick in and outs, and while it broke Callie's heart to see the complete destruction apparent on Arizona's face, she knew time was the answer here. She could say nothing else, do nothing to make things right from the massive wrong she'd committed. Time healed all wounds ... or so she prayed was the case here. After Arizona's confrontation, after she _really_ thought about it, Callie concluded there was no hope for a future for them and she took full responsibility for that. She knew her lack of honesty regardless of the why, pushing Arizona away to save her from all of the pain, it was the wrong move but she also wouldn't change things either. Callie was dying and in the end saving Arizona even a portion of that grief, the grief of losing your lover, your partner, your world, it was worth it. Arizona had told her that 'she'd already lost _the love of her life_' and that hurt like hell. Even more painful than the knowledge that she was dying. But having Arizona even as a friend was enough to keep her going forward. She knew what her future held, but at least she got to spend some of it with Arizona in her life as opposed to what could have been the outcome; what Callie deserved to be the outcome. She was going to enjoy that time, once Arizona could forgive her and face her again. So while Arizona held back, Callie tried hard to get her own self into a good place. She was going to have bad days, treatment was always going to physically deplete her, but she was in a much better mental state and with that, she'd wait Arizona out.

With her mind on mending broken fences, she knew she had a lot of apologizing to do with the others in her life. Teddy and Mark hadn't given up on her, not once, and she turned her back on them because ... well, for many reasons, none of which really mattered in the grand scheme of things. In plain, it was wrong of her and now she had to make that right, to mend her broken fences, take her due punishment. She had no doubt that they'd forgive her as they'd only proven over the past few weeks when she hadn't talked to them. Her fridge was still stocked. One of them was always waiting to take her home after treatment even if she barely acknowledged their existence. On more than one occasion, Teddy held her hair for hours while she suffered the side effects that never ceased to let up their hold on her. And Mark would then fold her into bed, hold a cold washcloth to her forehead, and cuddle her through the tears. Still, Callie had yet to apologize.

The knock on the door brought a small smile to her face. She was ready to face them, ask for their forgiveness, to apologize from deep within. She was ready to grovel on her knees if it came down to it. She didn't doubt they'd forgive her, but she needed to ask for it nonetheless. They'd been her rock and she needed to stop taking them for granted.

"Coming." She called from the living room, unsure why they were knocking instead of letting themselves in. She threw open the door, a huge grin now on her face to welcome them in. Callie froze, her hand on the door knob, her face falling as she stood face to face with a distraught Arizona.

Tears cascaded down her cheeks, her eyes puffy and swollen as if she'd been crying for hours. She _had _been crying for hours.

"Arizona, are you okay? What's wrong?" She reached out, frantic to pull Arizona into a comforting embrace, except Arizona took a full step back, flinching as Callie's fingertips grazed her forearm.

"Don't." She whispered, her voice gravelly from the hours of crying she'd done before garnering the courage to come over. "I'm sorry." More tears escaped at the raw truth those two words held. "I can't ... I can't do this, Calliope. I thought I could. I mean, you're here, and all I've wanted for three years was to be here... with you, and I want to. Living without you was hell, but you're dying. You are dying and I can't watch that. I thought, I have to lose you all over again, and I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. I'm _not _strong enough for that."

Callie stood, frozen to her spot. Her heart beating so fast her lungs were burning with each inhale of oxygen. Shaking, she reached out again, taking a step closer, but Arizona again pulled out of reach. "Arizona." She begged, unsure what to say, what she could say to make things different.

"I'm sorry, Callie. I am." She whispered. "I need time. Please. I ... I just need time. It's killing me to have you so close and not be able to have you, and even if I could have you, it would only make things harder for both of us."

Her own tears making themselves known on her cheeks, Callie cleared her throat and wiped at her face with the back of her hand. Standing up a bit straighter, she nodded in understanding. "I can give you time. All the time you need. And I'll be here when you're ready. I will."

A bitter, humorless laugh escaped from Arizona's throat. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Calliope." She didn't mean to sound so awful, but it was true, a dying woman should not make such promises.

Shaking her head, the look in her eyes heartbreaking and honest. "I've waited this long, Arizona. I'm going to be here when you're ready. I fought for you for three years, another few weeks isn't going to matter much in the big picture. I'd wait forever for you."

"Don't." Arizona finally closed the distance between them, her hand brushing a stray hair from Callie's forehead before her thumb wiped the lingering tears from her cheeks. Leaning further in, she placed her lips against Callie's, holding tight to her face. She closed her eyes and absorbed the feeling of Callie's lips upon hers. A chill ran through her entire body and she had to use every ounce of her self control not to take it deeper. She just wanted to feel those lips one last time, the comforting memories would have to be enough. Pulling back, she stepped just far enough so Callie couldn't pull her back in.

"I can't give you what you want, so please don't wait for that. Don't wait for me, just live, but not for me. Just live." She paused, wanting nothing but to return back to kissing those warm, plump lips, to fall into Callie's arms and forget the world for a little while, but she knew how dangerous that would be. It was already hard enough to walk away now, she should have never kissed her in the first place. "I'm going to walk away now and I need you to promise me you won't get your hopes up that I can give you more because I can't, Callie. Right now I'm not even sure I can be your friend, it's too hard. Please don't wait." Without waiting for the promise she knew wasn't going to make anything better, Arizona turned and quickly walked away.

Callie stood a few more minutes staring at the open door trying to comprehend what had just happened. She understood every word Arizona spoke, every reason behind them, but her heart just wouldn't listen. Taking a deep breath, she laughed. She knew Arizona, even after a three year absence, and she knew all of that was complete bullshit. It's what Arizona did to protect herself and she had every right to protect herself, but that didn't mean Callie was going to listen to her. She was going to wait the other woman out and accept whatever it was she had to offer. _Don't wait?_ Did Arizona seriously think Callie would accept that? She'd waited this long, she was going to wait Arizona out even if she died doing it. _What's life worth fighting for if not to hold onto the ones we love?_

**GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

Being beckoned to Callie's apartment, both of them, was not only unusual in the past, but as of late it was very scary. Neither knew why their presence had been requested, especially with Callie so angry with them, but they went anyway. Of course they went, there was never a question about that in their minds. The only question they had was had she gotten more bad news? Mark had made certain to stay updated on her treatments and with her doctors even if she hadn't disclosed any news to him. He had medical power of attorney so he spoke at length with everybody involved in her treatment and nobody had given him anything new, but it didn't make him any less scared. Teddy tried to calm him down but she was just as nervous.

Both had been at the Hospital so they made their way to Callie's together, taking the walk from the hospital, trying to calm themselves they slowed to a snail's pace as they approached the lobby of the apartment building, they both took a few moments to reassure each other that no matter what Callie had to say, they would remain stoic. They had each other to breakdown on later, they'd help her get through this.

As Mark reached for the handle to the door of the building, he stilled as Teddy hurriedly grabbed it, stopping him from connecting with the handle. He looked at her panicked face with confusion before his arm was tugged at and he found himself being pushed against the wall around the side of the entrance. Teddy peaked back around the corner looking at the lone figure facing the closed elevator doors, the blonde hair gently bobbing, clearly evident she was crying.

"Wait, keep quiet." Teddy whispered, as she turned back around to face him, a wide smile had now replaced the panic. "Arizona's waiting at the elevator, we can wait 'til she goes up then we can stay in your apartment until they're finished." She clapped her hands, happy that Arizona hadn't given up on Callie.

Mark smiled too as they both shared the moment in which they hoped the other two would sort things out, it was about time. While Callie had them and would always have them, who she needed was Arizona. Who got her through each and every day of the past three years and would hopefully get her through the next thirty, it was Arizona. Teddy and Mark were poor stand-ins and they were both relieved at the new turn of events. Giving themselves a safety net of about ten minutes, enough time to not be caught by either Callie nor Arizona, they waited with small talk before pushing off the wall to enter the building.

Their happiness was short lived though as they heard the click of the door and they both found themselves again instinctively push their backs straight against the wall, trying to keep out of sight. Both looked at each other as Arizona pushed through the door and hurriedly raced down the steps, her face red, tears rolling down her cheeks as she clumsily wiped at them with the back of her hand. She was unaware that the pair watched her retreat. Even from a distance they could hear and see her sobbing almost uncontrollably. _This wasn't good._

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

They waited a few more minutes, probably closer to half an hour, maybe more before heading up to the apartment. They now needed to recollect themselves, recenter, and prepare for the worst. They also didn't want to rush in and startle Callie only to have her retreat back into herself and end whatever advancement her treatment and just having Arizona here had brought with it. It pained them to wait, but wait they did. The elevator trembled slightly as it settled into place, and Mark closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, he felt himself flinch when the doors began to open. His eyes tightened in dread until he felt Teddy's hand wrap around his. When he open his eyes he looked at the woman and smiled, it was faint, but the same expression reflected upon her face. As their fingers tightened around each other's they stepped off the elevator together and down the hall; in step with each other the entire way down the hall, they would deal with this together.

The closer they drew to 502, the more confused they became as the unfamiliar sound of music filtered out into the hall. It wasn't even that it was loud music, it was upbeat, a happy tempo, and when they lightly knocked on the wooden panel and got no answer they both carefully opened the door unsure what they would be met with.

As they walked in sheepishly, they both scanned the apartment, first noticing that it was cleaner than it had been previously. Whenever they would go over, they both generally picked things up and kept the clutter away, but the place had been vacuumed and dusted, and it wasn't their doing as they hadn't managed to do that in a while. The vacuum wire twisted around the floor, and the room smelled oddly, a mixture of air freshener and freshly baked cookies. Mark looked at Teddy and both their eyes widened as they then looked toward the kitchen to see Callie lightly bobbing to the beat of her loud music as she pulled a tray from the oven. Turning around she met both with a wide smile as she continued to dance gently.

"Come in, come in, and stop loitering." She shouted over the music before she picked up her phone and turned the volume down, the Bluetooth speakers instantly lowered to a pleasant background melody of sound. She beckoned them in and placed the chocolate chip cookies on a plate that sat in the middle of the breakfast bar. She didn't wait for them to take a seat before she moved past them and moved over to the curtain covered window, throwing it open, the small pieces of lint and dust reflecting as the sunlight beamed into the room for the first time in way too long. She coughed slightly as some dust particles tickled her throat, but continued to wrap the vacuum cord away, before dragging it awkwardly back toward the closet.

"Here Callie, stop, I'll get that for you." Mark hurriedly spoke as he got off the high stool, seeing that she was puffing her cheeks, he worried that she would exhaust herself.

"No, sit – eat, they're delicious while still warm, you'll thank me." Callie smiled as she continued to pull, determination and exuberance etched on her face. "I'm feeling okay." She continued to smile. "No, I feel good!" She was determined to show them she was feeling good. She'd taken hope from the interaction with Arizona, it spurred her on, determined that she would still be here when Arizona was ready. _Hope_.

Both Mark and Teddy did what they were told like scolded children, taking a cookie each and placing it in front of them. Watching the woman carefully as she came back into sit with them, she didn't see both of them tense awaiting the bad news. Callie stared at them awkwardly, her eyes widened at the cookies before meeting their eyes. When Teddy and Mark realised she was waiting for them to take a bite they hurriedly bit into the treat, still awkwardly looking at each other they mumbled through crumbs about how good everything tasted. Callie smiled as she watched their reaction "So, I'm really sorry about my behaviour recently. I – It was unacceptable and you, both of you just wanted to shield me, to protect me. I will continue to apologise, as long as it takes. And ... and I need you guys. I need to stop letting this win, stop letting it take over my life while I still have it, you know?" Callie thought if she said what she needed to while their mouths were full then maybe they wouldn't shout, or say how much they were done with her behaviour.

"Well, if continuing to apologise means more of these cookies – then I accept!" Mark smiled as Teddy gave him a quick elbow to the ribs playfully. Both friends trepidation melted when they realised there was no bad news. There was a satisfactory silence before Mark smirked and lifted another cookie, taking a bite, he lost crumbs as he began to talk through his mouthful. "So Snow White. It looks like the rats finally got fed up of the mess and decided it was time to tidy or maybe it was a little Robbins help?" Teddy scrunched her eyes at him and shook her head at his completely blatant reference to Arizona being there.

"Nope, I just – I really do feel good, Mark. I just needed to do something." Callie was oblivious to Marks comment so Teddy decided she'd go another route.

"So have you seen Arizona recently?"

"Um, yeah actually she was here about forty minutes ago." Callie looked at her watch quickly, she smiled brightly as she hadn't even realised that she'd managed to accomplish her tasks so quickly. Arizona's talk had given her the push she needed. Mark and Teddy looked at each other sadly as the realization that what they'd witnessed downstairs was the final battle in Arizona's conscious, stay or go and clearly the latter won this round.

"So I was thinking if you're both not busy tonight..." Callie's voice shook slightly. "How about we have a games night, oh or a movie night. I'll even let you drink beer." Callie smiled at Mark as he drummed his hand on the table excitedly.

"Are you sure, you can't drink any...I'd feel weird, when you can't." Mark scrunched his eyes in suspicion.

"I wouldn't have said it if It bothered me Mark." Callie shrugged as she played with a rogue crumb on the worktop. "I'm sorry I've made things so awkward, can we just be back to us again? I've missed you both so much and I'm so sorry. It'd teach me a lesson if you both walked out of here and punished me, but I'm hoping, praying that you'll, that you ... will you accept my apology? I'm genuinely sorry." Callie lowered her eyes when the shame started to tease her cheeks once more. Teddy slipped her hand over hers and gave her a gentle squeeze to show support. She didn't need to say anything, the look in her eyes showed Callie what she needed to see.

"Sold...I'll be right back!" Mark slipped his body off the stool and raced from the apartment leaving the two women giggling at his childish joy at the mention of beer.

"You're looking great Callie, I mean the last time I saw you…um well," Teddy coughed, before changing the subject. "The place is looking good. Did Arizona help while she was here?" She pushed again hoping to get something out of her.

"Actually no, I just, I needed to do something after she left." Callie stood up and walked over to the fridge pulling a bottle of water out. "Teddy, do you want something?"

"No, I'll grab one of Sloan's beers, can't let him drink them all." She watched as Callie nodded and made her way back over to sit with her. Mark came back in the room holding a six pack and biting his lip. "What's up with you?" Teddy asked when she saw something brewing in his head, she knew he was going to open his mouth and god only knew what was going to come tumbling out.

"What's up with Arizona then if you are doing so well, shouldn't she be happy? Because she didn't look happy when we saw her in the lobby?" Mark gave Teddy a beer and placed the others on the counter as he took his seat once more, instead of drawing Teddy's wrath, she also returned to look at Callie, wanting to know what was happening.

Tears glazed her eyes and she felt sadness take over. _No, not today. Not anymore. She couldn't live this way any longer. _"I'm dying, Mark." Callie sighed as she watched that look cross her friends' eyes once again. That damn look of sympathy. She hated that look, but she'd come to expect it now. "I'm dying and she can't handle it so she walked away. Not for good. Maybe. Maybe not." She shrugged trying not to let it get to her. "She's angry; you both gave me perspective into what it feels like to have the people you love keep things from you. I needed time and I'm hoping she just needs time. But either way, I'm not done fighting. Not until I'm six feet under." Callie held her glass of water aloft and Teddy and Mark clinked their bottles gently, the three friends quietly took a drink from there beverages and silence fell before Mark could take no more as he watched Teddy's eyes glaze over with filling tears.

"Morbid much!" Mark scoffed at her abruptness. Quickly glancing again at Teddy, he realized that a change of subject was needed, _now._ Looking around he came to Callie's DVD collection. "Now important question - Science Fiction, Horror or Comedy?"

***GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA***

Sanctuary, she sought in the tiny darkened room playing at being her office, but it allotted her the peace and quiet she found nowhere else in the hospital. She welcomed the dark as much as the small confines she'd been _sentenced_ into, the joke was on Stark. After he complained Dr. Robbins was constantly under foot and undermining his authority, he suggested with a sly grin that they turn the abandoned supply closet into an office for her to organize while she was still off-contract. Of course he chose the smallest supply closet on the floor where barely a desk and lone bookcase could fit. Dr. Stark was intimidated by Arizona's presence; he knew she was not only a better doctor, but way more loved and respected by the staff, _his _staff. The joke was on him, Arizona loved her little office. It mirrored her current state of life, alone, small, lost in the big bad world. It was her escape, the place she could go to just feel, to be allowed to feel. Nobody was giving Arizona that chance, it was _get over it, figure it out, stop dwelling, you aren't allowed to feel sorry for yourself._ Why? Why wasn't she allowed to be upset? Why wasn't she allowed to be angry? It wasn't fair. She was slammed with the brutal reality that life wasn't fair, that it sucked, and unbeknownst to everybody, that the woman she never got over, the woman she loved more than life itself, that woman was dying and she couldn't do a damn thing to save her. She was a doctor and she couldn't save the love of her life.

Comfortably positioned in the high backed leather chair she dragged her eyes from the flashing alarm sensor high on the corner of the wall that had taken her drifting concentration. Flicking another page of the medical journal she had been trying to read by the soft light on her phone, she sighed at her failed attempt at distracting her mind from Callie, from Tara, from the whole fucked up situation.

There was a light tapped knock at the door and she found herself tensing, clicking her cell off, the light died with it; she was sitting in the dark and if she didn't move, didn't make a sound, then maybe they would go away. All hopes of avoidance evaporated when she heard the handle turn and Teddy's soft voice call her name. Damn them for not putting an actual lock on the door after pulling off the electronic one. Her sanctuary was compromised.

"Hey Teddy, what can I do for you?"

Teddy could hear the change in her voice, there was no annoyance to see her, just defeat and sorrow. It wasn't Theodora or Dr. Altman, but Teddy. That was disconcerting. "I brought you a coffee and I just wanted to check on you, I know you think I'm not a friend, but everything I did was because I'm just that. I'm sorry Arizona, I never wanted this to go down like this…I saw you leave Callie's crying last week and I've been building up my courage to come see you. You might not want to be my friend but I'm yours, and you're stuck with me." She spoke with confidence hoping they both believed she was putting her foot down, giving Arizona no choice.

With the only light now coming in from the hallway behind Teddy, her face was cast in shadows, and although Arizona couldn't make out her features she could hear the emotion in her voice. "Come in Teddy, do you mind flicking the light switch?" She scrunched her eyes up awaiting the artificial light to assault them. She took a deep breath, maybe she could get her head to stop if she could talk to her friend. Teddy came in and placed the peace offering on the desk before she took a seat across from her as Arizona let her eyes adjust to the change. Keeping them closed for a minute, she took advantage of not seeing Teddy's reaction. "I don't know what I'm doing Teddy, I'm so scared. I lost her three years ago, I grieved for us. It broke me, my heart was shattered and I've spent three years pretending she was dead Teddy, just to get through the day. Do you get that? I wished her dead – and she's been here, _dying_." Arizona finally opened her eyes, tears pooling ready to flow over as she looked at her friend's face, three years of this torture evident on her features also. "The work I was doing over there, it was amazing, so many lives changed." Teddy watched as her mouth curled at the sides in a small smile, it was the first genuine smile she had seen from her since she'd returned. "Do you know what it was like to be so happy to be there doing all these great, life changing surgeries, and it wasn't even that, just being there with basic medicine and health care for these kids, it was amazing, I could see that I was actually making a difference, and yet, I still had this burning sensation in my chest because she wasn't there with me. I found myself crying, all the time. So, I replaced the tears with anger, I needed to get angry just to get through my days. I tried to move on, to forget, but my nightmares kept my memories alive. I'm not proud of my reaction, but anger was all I was left with. It was the only thing I could control." She wiped at her cheeks as the tears finally broke free, and Teddy offered her a tissue which she accepted with a sad smile.

"I get that, I really do…But Tara? Everything you told me about her Arizona, can you really be in love with someone like that?" When Arizona laughed almost humorlessly Teddy realised how blunt her question sounded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it came out…I just mean – I'm pleased you found someone to be happy with."

"That's the thing, I wasn't happy, she made it easier for me to get through my days. Oh God, I sound like a monster. Tara was just supposed to be easy, it wasn't supposed to be serious and I thought she knew that, I thought I made that clear to her, but I screwed that up too. I clouded our arrangement when I told her she could move in with me, here. She'd managed to get a nursing job here and I told her to move in with me. You know what I was thinking when I said those words to her?" Teddy shook her head sadly as she watched the pain return to Arizona's face as she let a bitter laugh escape. "I spent over a year wondering what I had done, why she waited 'til we were about to get on the plane to break my heart, I couldn't figure it out. My insecurities kept revolving to Mark, that she wanted him. I thought that if I brought Tara home with me, looked like I was over Callie, that I was happy, that when I saw her and Mark together with their 2.5 kids and picket fenced house, a golden retriever running around the yard chasing my God damn chickens, then I wouldn't fall apart again." Arizona laughed bitterly again, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "But look at me. Tara saw right through me as soon as I got home and was around her again. Tara's on her way out the door as soon as she's completely packed, and I'm not upset about that…and that makes me sad too. I want to just be able to forget everything and be there for Callie, but I'm not strong enough and I lash out. I can't stop being angry with her right now, I can't watch her die. And that makes me angry at myself. I'm so angry with myself, all the time."

"You know you've just answered your own question of why she didn't tell you. I didn't agree with the way she did it, but I understand why she did. Your brain understands it now, but you just need your heart to catch up. I believe it will, but worrying is a waste of time Arizona. It doesn't change anything. All it does is mess with your mind and steals what happiness you could have. Maybe you have to stop thinking about it so much?"

"If you have any ways to, then let me know, will you?" Arizona smiled softly.

"Arizona..." Teddy sighed. "You're making this harder than it has to be." She knew her best friend overanalyzed every little thing, thought everything out second by second, and unless she had two back-up plans and was seven steps ahead, she didn't function. There was no pre-gaming here and Arizona just had to go with the flow, give up the control because nobody had any control here.

Teddy was right and she knew this, but wasn't exactly on board. She was close but just not there yet. "So, you have been lacking in your best friend duties." Arizona gave Teddy a side glance changing the subject, she was finished for today. "Gossip! Since Karev's gone I don't get the hospital good stuff. So spill."


	6. Sometimes We Just Have To Let Go

**DontEatBlue's Solo-Note:**_Hello Ladies and Gents. Finally! I know, I know, things happened, life gets in the way, ya know? Thank you for your patience in the delay of the posting of this chapter, we appreciate those that were kind and understanding of the fact that things come up sometimes that we have no control over. Your feedback and help has been invaluable and so appreciated, we are truly speechless at the encouragement and support, thank you, thank you, thank you! As always, super thanks goes to our beta, Shinata-Riyoko, for her super beta-ing powers and to my very dear friend, the wonderful Alida for help using her own super powers that I'm blessed to be on the receiving end of; they're both awesome woman, and again, thank you! Last but not least in this ridiculously long note: __**Happy Birthday to my fantabulous partner in crime and writing buddy, Sadie!**__ I am blessed to have you not only as a writing partner but also a very dear friend. Hope you had a great day, Old Lady! :P I'll shut up now, you're here for the story, not my babble._

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**Chapter Six: Sometimes We Just Have To Let Go**

Arizona avoided everyone in a personal respect since she'd spoke with Teddy. She learned very quickly to get building management to put a lock on her door and to keep it locked at all times. She made sure that any conversations stayed completely professional and if she thought it was even edging on a personal note, she'd disappear faster than the Flash.

Her conversation with Teddy had opened her eyes to just how angry she was at the situation and for the benefit of everyone, and more so Callie, she kept her distance. She knew deep down that her anger was toxic, a virus that she had to eradicate before she could move forward, be helpful. One thing she was now sure of was that she was here, Callie was still here, and she couldn't avoid her forever even if avoidance was her best option for the time being to protect all parties involved.

Another week passed by as she buried herself in consults, taking advantage of the privileges the Chief had bestowed her, and getting her department sorted behind Stark's back. She had to disconnect, figure out what _she _needed to do, she couldn't be any help to Callie with this irrational anger that had built. Arizona was angry, she had lost part of herself - No she hadn't lost it, it had been torn away from her, the decision taken from her control and this avoidance was allowing her to process. While her anger had been dissolving since that day at Callie's apartment, today however, she had a run in with Stark that really put her on edge. She was in no mood for _anyone, _so she waited for a few hours past when she knew her colleagues would have already left for the shift change before she ventured outside of the hospital where she attempted to leave as well. Since the fallout with Tara, and her emotion-fuelled talk _at_ Callie, Arizona wasn't completely sure of anything anymore and she needed to get her head on straight. Her girlfriend...ex-girlfriend and Teddy had made a few valid points and Arizona needed to explore them. Eventually, but right now she just needed a break from everybody.

Quietly, Arizona snuck out of the front doors of the hospital just as dusk was falling across the city. She welcomed the darkness where she could hide from the rest of the world. Specifically from anybody and anything connected to one Callie Torres.

"Hey, Arizona!" Mark hollered from only a few feet away where he stood with a group of their colleagues.

_Shit. __Fuck__._ What were they still doing hanging around the hospital at this time of night? The headache behind her eyes was at its peak and all she wanted was to get as far away from this place as possible. Mark had been reaching out to her for the past few weeks, he'd been acting genuinely concerned, but like everyone else, she didn't want to deal with him. He was _in _on the big secret and that pissed her off. _Of course_ he was in on the whole thing, no matter how much she tried to shake her insecurities about Mark, they always made their way to the top of her emotional volcano and today, she didn't have the strength to fight off those insecurities.

She'd done a great job of avoiding Mark and Teddy thus far as they had only began to repair the rift in their friendship. She kept telling herself she didn't care if they'd done it to protect her, to protect Callie, they had no right to keep it from her and it nagged at her. She was trying and she felt that was all they could ask of her right now.

Pasting on her best fake smile, a facade that two of the group immediately saw through, she turned to face them. "Yes, Mark?" She avoided making eye contact with Callie whom she saw in her peripheral vision.

Mark looked so happy with his huge grin, like a kid in a candy store given no limits. "We got Torres out of the house, wanna come join us for a few rounds?" He asked with a hopeful look on his face.

"No thanks, Mark." She replied sweetly. "I need to get home." She declined, knowing very well that she wasn't up to, at least emotionally, a night with the _old gang_. Arizona knew the invitation was more for Callie's benefit than the rest of her old friends, but she wasn't ready, _yet_.

"Oh come on, just for a few hours." He wouldn't drop it. Mark had a terrible need to make things right, for everybody, as his own guilt was eating him alive.

"No, Mark. I need to go." She turned quickly to leave, but not before she caught the disappointment in Callie's eyes. _Damn it, why did she look that way?!_

"Your girlfriend got you on a short leash, you can't come out and have fun? What harm is there in joining us?" He joked teasingly.

She spun around, venom dripping from her tongue. "Screw you, Mark." Arizona growled. "Just screw you!" The delicate balance of emotions tipped with the mention of her now ex-girlfriend, and she glared at him with glassy eyes before turning again toward her apartment building without looking back.

"What's her problem?" He huffed like a scolded child, but he was clearly hurt unaware that he had just poured gasoline on a naked flame.

Teddy sighed, shaking her head at him. "You just don't know when to shut up and drop things, do you Mark?" Having spoken to Arizona the week before, she knew very well what was going on. Arizona might not be talking to her in great detail, but she knew enough. She knew her best friend well enough to know when a breakdown was inevitable. Glancing to Callie, she caught the look in her eyes. It seemed she too read the signs before them.

As they started walking toward the bar, Teddy lagged behind, keeping Callie close by her side. She waited until most of their friends were out of earshot before whispering. "Are you going after her?"

Callie was clearly upset, her eyes as readable as Arizona's had been, but she just shook her head in the negative.

"Callie..." Teddy _hated _seeing everybody so upset.

"Not now, please." Her voice quivered.

"Okay. Okay." Teddy backed down. This night was about celebrating Callie, not about upsetting her. This was their first time out since Callie had taken the fight upon herself, so she didn't push, she didn't want her running for cover.

Two hours later and Callie clearly looked exhausted. She'd enjoyed the time with her friends and, while years before this would have been an evening of over-drinking and dancing, it had been rather sedate. They all nursed their drinks, some opting for nonalcoholic in a show of support for Callie, and they talked, playing catch up. It was a mostly good evening and she didn't regret coming out even if Arizona had been on her mind all night. It didn't help that every memory the group shared seemed to have Arizona in it, she knew her friends didn't mean it, well most of them didn't, but she caught Teddy with a twinkle in her eye whenever she brought her ex up.

Since Arizona told her she needed time to figure things out, Callie had done her best to keep from thinking about Arizona. She already had accepted that by lying to her, by trying to save her pain, she'd done the exact opposite and still lost her anyway. She'd thought hard about Arizona's words that day and eventually concluded that this wasn't fair, and she knew Arizona deserved better. She didn't need some dying chick pining for her and she sure as hell didn't need a friend she couldn't trust. Callie got it, or she tried to get it. She was working on getting it. Until tonight, until seeing Arizona. She just couldn't let things end this way, she had to apologize one last time, try one more time.

"I'm going to head out, you guys stay and have a real round of drinks on me." She threw down a few large bills and prepared to say her goodbyes.

Standing up, Mark finished the lone beer he'd been nursing all night. "I'll walk you home." He offered.

She heard the concern in his voice and pasted on her most convincing smile as she made certain to make eye contact with Teddy before she turned toward Mark. "No, you have some fun. I'll be fine, it's only across the street."

"Mark, she doesn't need a babysitter and you owe me a real drink for saving your ass last week, it's time to pay up." Teddy brought his attention from Callie. "I'm thinking I want something strong ..." Tapping her chin enthusiastically, making sure Mark's attention stayed on her as she watched Callie quietly slip out unnoticed. Feeling her hip vibrate, she looked at her phone and smiled to herself before responding with an answer. _It was about time!_ She knew she'd wear Callie down eventually, she had been intentionally bringing up memories that had Arizona in them, reminding her of the good times with Arizona. Her hopes were to push Callie in Arizona's direction and she achieved just that.

Looking at her cell phone, Callie turned and headed in the opposite direction of her apartment. She knew she wasn't going to be very welcomed, or at least she wasn't sure how welcomed she would be, but that didn't deter her from her destination. Neither did the possibility of running into Arizona's partner. Well, mostly, but not enough to stop her.

As she turned off the side street a few blocks from her own apartment, Callie slowed as she approached the small parking lot that belonged to the address on her cell phone's screen. A few hundred yards ahead of her, Arizona and the brunette from the airport stood a few feet apart, and by the looks of things, they weren't having a loving reunion. Instead, as the brunette threw items into her SUV, shoving boxes in before slamming the trunk shut, it looked as if they were fighting. Damn it, just what she didn't need to witness as it only served to destroy what courage she had worked up on her walk there. If it was what it looked like, and they were fighting, Arizona surely wasn't going to be in any mood to see her, deal with her, and sure as hell wasn't going to be open to accept and be receptive to a real and heartfelt apology from Callie. _Damn it._

Just as she'd talked herself out of it, she watched the other woman pull open the back door, grab something, push it into Arizona's arms, slam the door, get into the car, and pull out, leaving Arizona standing in the middle of the lot, holding what looked to be a desk lamp. Feeling confident she'd made the right decision to return home, Callie turned around. She wasn't worried about being seen because she was sure she wouldn't be recognized by Arizona's girlfriend. She'd made it only a few steps when the SUV went speeding by her. She glanced up, regretfully making eye contact with the driver before there were screeching tires and the car went into reverse, pulling up next to her.

"You!" She put the car in park. "You're her. You're the dying bitch."

"I'm sorry?" Callie was taken back by the clear anger in the other woman's voice that was aimed directly at her.

"Oh, don't play coy with me. I know who you are, you're her, Arizona's ex. I've seen pictures of you and don't for one minute think you've got me fooled." She growled at Callie.

"Got you fooled?" What the hell was this woman going on about?

Tara laughed bitterly. "Are you even dying or is this some ploy to get her back? You had your three years to screw around and now that she's back you think she's yours for the taking?"

"I think you have it all wrong. I'm not here _for _Arizona, I'm here to apologize _to _Arizona, but that's none of your business." Callie didn't feel the need to explain things to this woman, especially after she felt so attacked and for no reason.

"None of my business? You're kidding, right? You fucking wrecked my life. Is that what you do, do you wreck people's lives? You're that selfish that your own life is so fucked up you just have to take everyone else down with you?"

"Whoa, what the hell are you talking about?" Callie's anger was growing by the second.

"Why didn't you just die already? Your little cancer act might have Arizona fooled, but I see right through you. I don't need someone as weak and pathetic as her in my life anyway, you're welcome to her. What's left of her, that is. _You _really did a number on her!"

Before Callie could form words, before she could process the shit this woman was saying, Tara laughed bitterly again. Her shrill cackle made Callie's skin crawl.

"Ya know what, fuck you. I hope your death, if it's even real, is painful and pure hell."

Callie stood frozen as she heard the click of the shift stick, the engine revved and the SUV sped down the road again, a pale hand sticking out the window, flicking her off. Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm down. Not having really been able to get a word in edgewise with that crazy bitch set Callie off. How dare she speak about Arizona that way? She had no right. Taking a few seconds to beat herself up for not defending either of them, Callie re-talked herself into her original plan. If Callie got that venom from that horrible woman, she couldn't even imagine what shit Arizona took from her. Feeling the need to not only apologize, but comfort Arizona, she headed for the apartment building.

Standing outside, she took a few more moments to gather up all the courage she could find before she found herself standing outside the apartment matching Teddy's text. Even through the door she could clearly hear sobbing and it broke her heart. To make matters worse, she felt awful that it bothered her that the tears Arizona was shedding weren't over her. She felt like the selfish fool Tara had claimed her to be only minutes before.

Regardless of the why for the tears, Callie was there and on a renewed mission. She knocked loud enough to be heard even over Arizona's cries, but no response came. Apparently this was going to be harder than Callie expected as Arizona wasn't answering the door and her cries only grew louder and more intense with each passing moment.

"Damn it, Arizona." Callie sighed out loud, her constant knocking being ignored. Reaching out, she jiggled the knob in hopes that in her upset state, Arizona might have left it open.

To her relief, the knob turned and the door did indeed crack open. She didn't think twice and entered, quickly following the sound of the cries. Callie was far from prepared for the scene in front of her as she made her way into Arizona's room where she found her face down, sobbing into her pillow.

Without thinking, she shed her shoes and coat, quickly abandoning rational thought with them, and climbed onto the bed, scooping up the other woman and rocking her while the storm raged on.

"Shhh."

"Let it out."

"You'll feel better."

"It'll be alright."

Callie murmured reassuring words as she pressed her lips against Arizona's temple, trying to soothe her broken heart.

Callie felt terrible, never had there been a time she could recall ever seeing Arizona so broken like this. It was like she had broken her favorite toy and had no idea how to fix it. Except Arizona wasn't a toy and she was pretty positive Arizona wouldn't want any help from her, being fixed.

Arizona's body stopped shaking, her hands fisted in Callie's shirt loosened, and she realized that the woman in her arms had fallen asleep. Except she found no relief from the silence, it was tormenting for Callie and she worked her mind desperately to find a solution here, but not knowing what was wrong, aside from the bitch Tara, she was out of ideas.

Twenty minutes had passed when Arizona woke up, big blue doe eyes looking up at her, sadness clouding the beauty that once shined through the darkest of nights. Callie had no idea what she was in for and that scared her. What Callie didn't know was that Arizona wasn't crying because of Tara leaving her. Arizona's emotions had finally hit her, all the truth of the circumstance hitting her like a freight train, everything she had fought so hard to control no longer trapped within her fragile facade.

Contemplating her next move, what to say, Callie was forced quickly into reality as Arizona reached for her again, tears still cascading down her cheeks, only now in silence. Without warning, Arizona reached up and pulled Callie into a deep kiss. At first, Callie was so shocked by this, she didn't reciprocate. Not until Arizona's tongue broke free into her mouth was Callie fully invested in the embrace, any and all reservations quickly thrown out of the window.

The simple contact exploded for Arizona as a guttural moan escaped between breaths. "God, Callie."

The sound of her name rolling from Arizona's swollen lips, her upturned face pleading for more, the undried tear tracks down her cheeks all combined together and violently brought Callie back to the here and now instead of the past, just over three years before she had fallen prey to by her own damaging decision.

"Arizona." She pulled back, hesitant, only Arizona wasn't having any of it and fought her resistance every step of the way.

Pulling back until she was free of Arizona's hulk-like hold, and her mind's own want, Callie panted, trying to catch her breath. "Wait, Arizona. Wait!"

"Stop." She put her hand up as Arizona scooted forward, toward her again. Her own voice shaky, full of uncertainty in her argument to stop.

"What?" Arizona's voice, while raspy from crying was obviously still lust-filled. "Are you okay?" She asked full of concern.

"No...I'm fine." She tried again to pull Callie back in close. "Seriously, stop." Callie's voice stayed soft even though she argued again, trying very hard to remember why she wasn't participating.

"Don't tell me you don't want this- want me." She asked with nervous trepidation.

Feeling the change in the air, the desperate fear, Arizona grasped at straws for understanding. She purred with sexual arousal dripping from her tongue, except her eyes betrayed her as fear was more than present in her clear blue eyes, fear of rejection. "Tell me you don't want me, want this ..."

"I do. God, I want you." Callie responded breathlessly. "But this isn't what _you _want. You said you couldn't do this and I know you. Talk to me, Arizona." She sat up and made sure she put space between them.

Rage quickly replaced the escalating fear in Arizona's eyes and she verbally attacked. "Don't tell me what I want. Are you going to take this decision out of my hands, too? You have no clue what I want!"

Callie sighed and shook her head at the sudden change in mood. She knew this side of Arizona very well. "Then how about you talk to me instead of this ..." She motioned at the invisible sexual tension between them.

Arizona crossed her arms like a scolded child, a scowl across her face, but Callie saw more, saw the truth behind her eyes. Rage was just a blanket over the truth and that was pure fear. Reaching forward, Callie tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek as she moved her hand away. Arizona leaned into the warm palm pressed against her face, her eyes closing as she found comfort again. It had been too long since she'd felt so safe in just a simple touch; she needed more. She needed to feel again, to be alive. Arizona moved so fast, pulling Callie back into a heated embrace. She almost whimpered as the panic of rejection left her when she felt Callie pull her closer as both began to struggle for control.

As they both deepened the kiss, tongues battling, teeth clashing, fingers clawing at constricting clothing, the need for skin, for more now overwhelming. Callie was knocked off balance giving Arizona the edge of control, letting her crawl on top. Her hands wasting no time traveling down Callie's body and Callie's own reservations left her as her own hands dug into Arizona's back and ass, pulling her closer as she easily and quickly became lost in Arizona's touch.

Before Callie could process the path of Arizona's hands, her pants were unbuttoned with a quick flick of Arizona's fingers, her panties pushed aside, and Arizona's thumb was circling her very tight, very neglected bundle of nerves with a welcoming pressure that had Callie melting under her touch. The feeling of Arizona on top of her, their tongues in a battle for dominance, had Callie primed and ready to go. Three years worth of nerves, of aches, of lust exploded between her legs and all she could do was whimper as Arizona's hands tormented her sex. Her touch wasn't slow nor was it particularly rough, but it was full of unadulterated need.

Between the heavy panting of arousal in her ear and moans of satisfaction, Callie quickly found herself on the edge. "Arizona, please, more." She panted as she felt the first waves of her orgasm start to climb.

This only encouraged Arizona to speed up her hand between Callie's legs. Begs to be filled were quickly answered as she filled the abundance of wetness. She moaned loudly as her fingers trailed from the swollen throbbing of Callie's insanely aroused bundle of nerves to thrusting deep inside the warmth of the source of wetness pouring out of her. With each deep thrust, her fingers were squeezed tighter, pulled deeper, and her own arousal escalating to dangerous heights. With her other hand, Arizona kneaded and pinched at Callie's aching nipples, erect and straining through her thin top. Nails dug into her back, scraping hard through her own shirt. She arched against the pain before arching into it. It was a welcome feeling, Callie gripping tightly, pulling her in closer, _wanting_ her, clawing at skin. _Her _skin.

Tangling her fingers in Arizona's golden locks, she pulled their mouths back together, biting and nipping hard at Arizona's lower lip. When she felt Arizona's fingers push deeper, her muscles clenched and tightened around them, her throbbing clit, pulsing in intensity as her orgasm began to hit uncontrollable levels. "Arizona ..." She pleaded, unable to form more words.

Concentration diminished, needing to be part of instead of just a participant, Callie's lips nipped and kissed along the soft contours of Arizona's face, following her jawline until she was gently sucking that spot behind her ear. As Arizona's hips arched forward, searching for their own pressure, their own release, Callie trailed her lips down the soft porcelain skin of her neck, nipping and sucking now at the pebbled nipples offering themselves up to her through Arizona's flimsy cotton shirt and thin satin bra.

A moan left Arizona's mouth as Callie continued to tease her. She felt the friction her movements were creating as her own jeans tightly rubbed against her own throbbing clit. Callie's clenched muscles were causing her thrusts to slow down and, with begs and moans leaving Callie's mouth, she couldn't risk losing the feeling she had built. She could feel the body vibrating under her, she was so close. Pushing her fingers deep one last time, she flexed her digits, pushing deeper, massaging them against the swelling walls. As her fingers played against a particularly soft part, one Arizona knew well, one that taunted and tormented Callie in the most delicious ways, she screamed loudly, bucking up into the woman above her, begging for more, for deeper, for Arizona never to stop. It was a feeling she never thought she'd have again and she needed more. Oh God, she needed more.

The guttural moan – the pleasure that left Callie as her head fell back, and body arched from the bed as her orgasm coursed through her. Heels digging into the bed as her hips raised and her muscles contracted trapping Arizona's fingers and releasing a throbbing ache that sent her into a euphoria filled tailspin. Arizona watched that moment on Callie's face, all previous thoughts of giving Callie what she thought she wanted and leaving after, left as she brought her mouth back to kiss the woman under her. Stilling her hand, she allowed Callie's body to relax before retracting her fingers, she felt Callie gasp, her breath warm against her lips.

"I'm...I'm sorry." Arizona's voice wavered slightly as they both locked eyes. "Are you alright?" Arizona pushed herself up off the mattress, still straddling the woman underneath her, there was a short pause where both women just took in the other – really looked at each other's faces. There was no nowhere to hide, and when there was no reply, Arizona was about to revert back to her original plan of bailing when Callie silently snaked her hands up under Arizona's shirt. Her fingers lightly skimming the surface of her skin had Arizona feel as though she would just melt into a puddle. Just a simple touch set her body on fire, and continued to do so as Callie's fingers nervously fiddled with the buttons of her shirt. She could sense that Arizona was fighting with her emotions - she was herself. Button after button released more skin, and Callie's trepidation melted with the look in Arizona's eyes. When all buttons were opened, she moved to her jeans, her fingers worked quickly now, popping the button and unzipping while keeping eye contact. Callie couldn't form the words to speak without tears, so she showed her how okay she was with what had happened.

Pulling Arizona back down, their lips met with uninhibited passion as they both finally rid themselves of all clothing. There was nothing fast about their movements, from what had started off as raw need and insatiable lust turned into reconnection; something they both weren't sure they'd ever get back.

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

Rolling over to part, panting, they both now laid side by side trying to collect their thoughts. Eyes trained on the ceiling as the events flooded Arizona's mind sending her into overload. _What had she just done?_ She had told Callie not to wait for her. She told her to move on. _Damn it, did she really just do that?_ Maybe she'd wake up soon. Maybe it was a dream, an emotion-filled dream brought on by stress. Stress-induced. That was it, Callie wasn't really there – her mind had just projected her heart's want. She had been fighting with Tara, horrible things said all around, and then she'd fallen asleep in a tear laced daze.

Still refusing to turn her head to come face to face with Callie, she felt her brush the bare skin on her side which sent a rush of realization to the front of her mind and her emotions unravelled.

"Oh God, Callie I'm sorry…I shouldn't have!" Callie opened her eyes and the calm she was feeling started to evaporate as she heard the sheer panic in Arizona's voice and the bed dip as she slid out of it, quickly picking up her clothes. "I'm sorry, I can't, I need air… I need to go!"

"Arizona, wait!" Callie grabbed for Arizona as she rushed around in a panic, picking up her clothes before running out of the bedroom, out of reach, and out of her life once again. She heard her mumble something as she ran out, but couldn't make it out through the sobs. Callie lay still for a minute while she tried to figure out what had happened. Until she heard the front door open and close. Pulling herself up, she wrapped the sheet around her naked body and walked out of the bedroom after her, calling Arizona's name.

"I'll go." She spoke quietly to the empty room, as she realised she was now alone. "It's your apartment." She sighed.

Callie collected her things and dressed so painfully slowly, she swore decades of time had passed. In reality, only thirty minutes had passed by the time she had dressed and composed herself, and Arizona had yet to return to the apartment. Callie had expected her to come back soon, it was already late, but over an hour after her departure, she still hadn't returned. She was worried if she continued to wait, to confront Arizona when she did return, that she'd permanently scare her off. While this wasn't how she saw the night going and Arizona running off like a scared little girl, Callie wasn't upset; not in the least. Sure they now_ really_ needed to talk, this was not something they could just forget or sweep under the rug, but they'd just made HUGE headway. Arizona _still _wanted her. Still loved her. Regardless of the harsh words that had been said between them, the pain of everything they'd been through,_ Tara_, Callie knew Arizona would never just use her for sex, for release, nor for relief. They shared more between them, they meant more to each other than a simple roll in the hay, and this was just proof of that. So they skipped a few steps again, they always had, but they were now moving forward and that's what mattered. She'd give Arizona the night to calm down, to collect her head, but then they were going to figure everything out. She was done apologizing, she'd done enough of it, and Arizona was done running, she only just proved she was running away from the inevitable anyway.

Standing at the door, she realized she didn't know whether to lock up and slide the keys under the door or leave it unlocked. Looking around confused she watched as an elderly couple holding hands passed her, and stop at the next apartment.

"Are you alright, Dearie? You're looking a little peaky." The woman asked, giving Callie a veneer toothed grin. "Are you a friend of Arizona and Tara? Such a lovely couple, so helpful, isn't that right Bill?" Callie smiled as the old man just grumbled as he rummaged in his pockets.

"Um...yes, Arizona just popped out and I need to leave, but I don't know what to do about the key situation." Callie smiled sweetly as she held up the keys showing the woman her problem, the elderly woman clapped her hands happily as she suddenly got an excited look in her eyes pointing to a box on the wall at the side, another victim for her to bore.

"Key safety box. This apartment block has a lot of elderly tenants so the landlords put these boxes up. Your best bet is to lock the door, Dear." She waited a moment for Callie to lock the door and again pointed for her to place the keys in the box. "Now make sure the lid is on, yes that green light tells you. The girls have a four digit code that opens it and they can get the keys. It's a marvelous idea isn't it, we keep our spare key in it because Bill is always losing them. Also the main reason for them, God forbid, is if anyone needs to get into the apartment if we take unwell. You know? We're not really in our prime, Dear."

Callie smiled and thanked them as she turned and tried to hold the laughter in as she heard the woman chastise Bill for yet again losing the keys. Pulling the lapels of her jacket up around her neck to shield her from the cold Callie made her way toward home. She was exhausted, more so than normal, but if she'd been honest to herself and everybody else, she was feeling quite terrible all day long. Yes, going out had been planned for a bit now as she'd been growing stronger and up until just recently, feeling better, but she should have canceled. She just couldn't let her friends down, they were so excited and went out of their way to get everybody together on an off-treatment day so they were certain she'd be not just in good spirits, but feeling good as well. She didn't want to disappoint them, but now she needed her bed, some advil, and a good night's sleep. Granted, she'd have preferred to have all of that with Arizona, especially after recent events, but she just knew they'd have that again. She was certain of it.

When the elevator didn't come after almost a ten minute wait, Callie sighed and headed for the stairs. Three flights wasn't going to be too bad and she was running off an adrenaline high anyway, she could do it. Not thinking, she flew down the first flight before she had to stop, the wind was quickly knocked out of her. Stabbing, almost blinding pain in her lungs had her sitting on the top step of the next flight to catch her breath._ Stupid._ What a truly stupid move, Calliope Torres. You know better. She laughed at her own stupidity. Aside from treatment destroying her lungs, the cancer had spread there too and she was playing Russian Roulette by being so careless in her actions. She had to slowly build both them and the rest of her body back up; key word, slowly.

Feeling the pressure ease, she took the next flight at a slower pace. By the time she was in the lobby, she was_ really_ winded with her head starting to swim. Just a few blocks, she could do that easily if she just took three flights. Heading out, the cold night air slammed her, again knocking the breath from her lungs. She pulled the collar of her leather coat tight against her to shield her exposed chest and neck from the dropping temperatures. Seattle weather was terrible. If it didn't rain all day and night, the evening temperatures were frigid all the way through late Spring. Maybe once she got Arizona back, fully, they could take a short vacation somewhere between rounds of treatments. Some place warm with sun. Hot sun where she could warm her skin, maybe even get a glow again.

Less than a hundred yards from the building, Callie looked up, delighted to see the stars. They were an oddity in the city, but on this clear, cold night they glowed brightly and passionately. It gave her hope that even in the darkest of times, they'd find their way. Both the stars and them. Smiling, she continued on her way hoping to get home rather quickly even at a slow pace. She didn't remember it taking this long to get here and she took her time coming. Why was the apartment building so far back from the main street? Sure it gave the residents some privacy and probably quiet from traffic, but damn this was a long walk back to the main street. Her head wasn't just swimming any longer, she was full out dizzy, her stomach rolling with her head. A few more yards down, she stopped against the blue mail box. Just a minute. She needed just a minute and she'd start again. She was just so dizzy. A few deep breaths, some centering exercises, and she found the strength to continue. Taking a few more steps, she finally was certain that she'd found her ground again and walked swiftly for home once again.

"Ma'am, just lay still, don't move. You've fallen. We've got you, you'll be okay."

She heard the panicky order, a quick call for help following and she took off for that direction. Somebody was hurt, she needed to go help. She was a doctor, maybe not a practicing one, but she could still help.

"Ma'am, you can't get up, let us help."

As she tried to make her way through the crowd forming a few yards from the woman, she felt strong hands on her shoulders holding her back. Red lights quickly flooded the darkened night as she blinked against the harsh flashing. How she ever put up with such a headache causing sight every time an ambulance came into the bay was beyond her. She clearly heard a gurney drop like it was right next to her ears and felt bad for the person on the ground. If it was ear shattering to her, she could only imagine what they heard. Pressing forward again, she watched a face come into view, one she recognized, but just couldn't place.

"Call ahead, tell them we have a serious head wound. She's in shock. Hit her head hard as she went down."

Callie winced, a blinding headache of her own as she shook her head, and tried to push through the crowds again. The hands on her shoulders pushed her back harder, keeping her firmly in place. "I'm a doctor, I can help." She whispered, but the sound of her voice exploded through her head, more blinding pain following suit. She blinked several times, sticky sweat pouring down her forehead from exertion, stinging her eyes. Somebody was picking her pockets, she felt a cold hand in the front of her jeans. What the hell? Trying desperately to stop them, she couldn't move her arms, the crowd was squashed in together like a can of sardines, her arms held at her sides in the commotion. "Stop." She tried to speak again, her mouth moving, but no sound following. Blinking again, she watched horror cross the EMT's face. She held open a wallet in front of her as she focused in on the identification of the woman at her feet.

"Shit." She loudly yelled over her shoulder to get her colleague's attention.

For a brief moment, everybody froze and aside from the roaring thunder in Callie's head, nobody else said a thing. The EMT reached down and, gently with a piece of gauze, wiped at the woman's face to clear her view. Callie felt a brief moment of pressure before her own eyesight cleared up and she was staring face to face with the EMT, her own friend.

"Shit, it's Dr. Torres." She spoke in panic. "Keith, we've got Dr. Callie Torres here."


	7. In Truths That She Learned

**A-N:**Thank you, everyone, for your lovely words of encouragement, we very much appreciate all the support and love for our story. We couldn't have done this without the awesome support of our lovely beta, Shinata-Riyoko, who puts up with our different dialects like a champ and never yells at us for changing halfway through a sentence. And nyladreams for helping sort things out for this chapter. You seriously were a HUGE help and we really, really, REALLY owe you. Everybody else, you're great and fantastic and awesome but you already knew that. Because this chapter grew to over 10,000 words, we had to find the most appropriate place to cut it without confusion so while reading, remember there is a continuation in the scene and things will not be left up in the air for long. Thanks!

* * *

**Chapter Seven: In Truths That She Learned**

"_Shit, it's Dr. Torres." A woman spoke in panic. "Keith, we've got Dr. Torres here."_

A man raced to Callie's side and finally, her eyes focused and she clearly saw who was kneeling next to her. She tried to speak again, but her head was pounding and her mouth so dry.

"I was just out with her. Sloan planned this thing at Joe's, she was fine then. Shit, she was fine then." He shook his head. "She, we were celebrating her feeling better. What's she even doing here? She was going home. She was supposed to be going home." And they both knew where home was because not only did they know her from the hospital, but she'd also been a call for them, twice. The first time being during the worst stages of the first bout of cancer, and the second when it returned, before anybody knew that her remission was over and Callie was about to start an even harder, more arduous fight for of her life. That second call was with Dr. Altman calling for a bus; she was uncharacteristically unprofessional, in complete hysterics from finding Dr. Torres unconscious on her bathroom floor and, just like now, she was profusely bleeding from a gash on her head, a result of the fall. Before the results even came back in everybody at Seattle Grace knew. They knew it was back and the cancer was now more aggressive than ever.

"Dr. Torres, do you know where you are?" Keith questioned her lucidity while they loaded her into the ambulance.

"Arizona..." Callie moaned trying to get their attention. They needed to contact Arizona.

"Callie, you're in Seattle. Seattle, Washington, Honey. Not Arizona." The female EMT shook her head, discouraged by Callie's answer. While she'd only met Callie a little over two years before, in that short time she'd grown fond of the doctor and considered her a friend. The disorienting response was crushing and it worried her that the damage was worse than it looked. Callie was fragile and she was concerned that her body, weakened by countless radiation treatments, couldn't handle another complication.

"No!" She tried to sit up, struggling against restraints of the gurney. "Arizona." She yelled at the EMTs. She was trying desperately to form words, but the head injury added to the confusion stole her clarity.

Keith put a calming hand on her bicep as the ambulance took off. "You hit your head pretty hard on that mailbox, but we'll get you all cleaned up, Dr. Torres. Don't worry about where you are, that's not important right now." As the ambulance drove the short distance to the hospital, both EMTs rode in silence as they recalled the last time they were in this situation with Callie.

As they unloaded the gurney upon arrival, this time wasn't the case of if the cancer had returned, but instead how much time was left on the clock.

_Teddy was excited and couldn't contain it, she had to share it and as talking with Arizona had become a chore, she knew Callie would share in the excitement with her, she just had to find her friend. Callie wasn't scheduled today, not that she was there at the hospital much, just enough to get her back in the groove of things, and she wasn't answering her damn phone. It probably meant she was playing her music too loud and doing something around the apartment, but Teddy welcomed that as opposed to what life used to be for them. Irresponsible Callie, hard to reach Callie, celebrating life Callie, God how much she loved any of those women on any given day. She was hoping for celebrating Callie today though, and while she avoided alcohol still, that didn't mean Teddy couldn't partake in a few celebratory beers. Callie didn't mind being the driver. Hell, Callie didn't mind doing much of anything anymore, she was truly enjoying every moment life had to offer._

"_Callie, are you here?" Teddy entered the quiet apartment, surprised there was no music blasting from the speakers, no happy woman dancing in her kitchen, there was no being accosted by the smell of baked goods in the oven._

"_Callie?" She hollered again as she searched the apartment. The door had been unlocked so she had to be here._

_Getting closer to the bedroom, she heard the shower running and was happy to wait while Callie bathed. It just meant she'd be able to get ready quicker for a night of celebration._

_Almost forty-five minutes later and the shower was still running full stream. For a quick moment she thought maybe she was disrupting 'private-Callie-time' except as she got closer to the cracked bathroom door to check, she saw the bottom of a barefoot through the opening. Throwing open the door, she panicked as Callie's lifeless body was sprawled out on the tiled floor._

"_Callie!" She screamed, squating next to her friend, reaching for her neck to check her was weak, her breathing labored, her skin completely paled under the caked blood. The blood! There was so much blood. Where was it coming from?_

_Grabbing for her phone in her pocket, she dialed 9-1-1 with one hand while she carefully checked her friend out with the other. There was a huge gash on her head, she was completely out cold._

"_Yes. This is Dr. Altman of Seattle Grace Hospital, I need a bus at 628 Barrington Street, apartment 502. I have an unresponsive, unconscious woman. Head injury, labored breathing, weak pulse. Hurry, please." She pleaded and then, holding Callie's hand, prayed._

_Everybody waited around after they got off work, including the EMTs who brought her in returning once their shifts were over. Friends, colleagues, nurses who had watched her beat it the first time around all crowded the waiting room, each of them taking turns in her room, only one allowed at a time. While both Teddy and Mark wanted to be in the ER room keeping her company, to wait for the news they already had figured out. They knew she needed the support of everybody. They knew she'd need the support because they knew. Everybody knew, even Callie. When she finally came to, could answer questions, her inability to breathe well on her own, a growing problem for weeks now, was a huge neon warning sign. Sending her down for an x-ray, everybody prepared themselves. A bone scan, MRI, all of that would take time, but this x-ray of her lungs was quick, easy, and they'd know in a matter of hours. They'd know for certain in a matter of hours because they weren't stupid, they were doctors, and nurses, and EMTs, and they knew. _

_Lexie volunteered sleep-duty and stayed in Callie's room while she caught restless shut-eye. When she exited the ER and entered the waiting room where everybody held their breath, she shook her head, tears falling down her pale cheeks. No words were needed, the simple gesture spoke volumes._

_Sitting in her chair, her legs pulled up into her chest, Mark's arm wrapped around her shoulders in a comforting embrace, Teddy turned her head into his chest and began sobbing. "She fought so hard, it's not fair."_

_Unable to control his own emotions, Mark let the tears fall as he squeezed Teddy tight in his arms. His voice was gravelly and weak as he voiced his own fears. "We can't lose her."_

"_She's awake." Were the only words Lexie could form. She couldn't return to the room and somebody needed to be there for Callie._

"_I ... I can't do this again." Teddy hiccuped through her tears, grimacing in pain as the hand belonging to the shadow towering over her slapped her on the shoulder._

"_She needs you to get it together. She needs you to hold her up and help her believe she can beat this. Make her believe she can beat this. Wipe those damn tears and get your ass in there." Bailey growled, neither her voice nor the look on her face giving way to the turmoil brewing just beneath her surface. While Teddy voiced her fears, Bailey silently mourned along with her._

_Sniffling and wiping her face into Mark's chest, Teddy took a deep breath and unfolded herself from his embrace. "I'll go. I'll see if she needs anything. I mean, it should be one of us, so I'll go first." She looked to Mark for confirmation. It was going to be a long night of switching back and forth, and while they made a great team together, they were __each __going to need breaks to regain their composure to give Callie all the possible support they could, so they'd have to go in alone._

_As Mark watched Teddy disappear into the ER, he sighed deeply when Bailey took the now empty seat next to him. Rubbing his hands over his face, he sucked in a few deep breaths, exhaling loudly. Silence filled the room as people absorbed the shock, sorted out their feelings. Finally looking over at the other woman, he shook his head as he watched tears racing down her cheeks. She looked defeated._

"_You know the chances here, this time." He needed to verbalize it. He needed to say the words out loud so they wouldn't blindside him when it came true._

_Nodding, Bailey let out the most pathetic sound he'd ever heard as she tried to compose herself. It was a cross between a sob and the sound of a human heart shattering, if there were such a sound. "I know." She whispered. Grabbing his hand, she squeezed. "I know. They know." She motioned toward the silent group of friends and colleagues. "Hell, Callie knows. But she needs hope, Sloan. She needs hope."_

_He tried to smile, but his face barely moved. He'd never give her anything but hope, but he wasn't what she needed. "Her hope is in Malawi."_

_They sat again in silence watching the hands on the clock move so very slowly but way too fast. Time was never going to be on their side here. Clearing her throat, she squeezed his hand before letting go and patting his blue scrubbed thigh. "Maybe it's time that hope came home." She looked deep into his eyes, both nodding in agreement. _

*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*GA*

The ache in her neck began to burn against the contrasting chill outside. It was a bitterly cold night, so cold that as she stood staring into the clear night sky, she could see the stars. Twinkling subtly, letting her conscious drift, nowhere near as many to be seen here due to the city's light pollution, but calming none the less. In Malawi, the sky would be filled with little white sparkles, it reminded her how small they actually were.

Sighing she watched her breath hang in the air, a shiver worked its way down her spine shocking her back from her avoidance. Pulling her jacket tighter around her, trying to lock in the escaping warmth, she looked around the park, her hiding place out in the open. She had needed air, being surrounded by Callie, it was all she had wanted and all she had told herself that she didn't want again. Arizona's eyes settled on the direction of her apartment block, with her head down and her hands shoved deep into her pockets she made the walk back to come face to face with what she'd done. As her pace quickened, toward her destination, her footsteps vibrated through her body as her steps made contact with the pavement. She was intent to go tell Callie that she was sorry, that she understood why she didn't tell her and that she couldn't be without her - but that was the problem, she would bewithout her, _eventually_, and that's when her emotions hit her again. She looked up distracted as she saw an ambulance speed by her, the flashing lights knocked her from the tranced confidence she'd built up. She slowed slightly as she wavered, but she let the desire win, she just wanted her in that moment and nothing else mattered. Except, the raw want and need melted into something more, and as she lay there, feeling the warmth from the woman she had never stopped loving, everything became too much and she need to get out of there. Their love for one another was not the problem here, it would always be there. It was a matter of whether or not Arizona being there, at this time, after three years of anger, the emotional carnage that was following her - Callie was better without her, she had been doing better without her. As she walked, her mind tormented her, if you love something set it free, if it comes back then it's meant to be and that's what Callie essentially did when she sent her on the airplane, alone. Callie was doing better without her. She'd done this dance before, shit, it was the elevator again, after their fight over wanting children, except that had ended in a searing kiss and then she walked away when the doors opened. There were no doors this time to stop her desire and it ended with nakedness.

The closer she got to her apartment her bravery was decreasing until she saw the ambulance not too far up from her apartment building causing quite a scene. So many elderly neighbours around, the crowd was rather large and blocking her entrance. She'd told Callie to stay, get some rest and she just needed to clear her head, but she'd be back. At least she'd hoped those words had come out in her haste to get out of there before she said or did something else she'd regret. She had been in such a hurry, but after what had just happened, Callie wouldn't take off without first talking things out, that much she was sure of, so whether or not she verbalized those exact words, she knew Callie would be waiting for her upon her return. She just needed a few more minutes to clear her mind, to get her head on straight.

A noise to her right drew her attention as two drunken men bounced against each other while exiting the corner bar across the street. _Liquid courage,_ she could sure do with some of that right now and, certain that Callie would be asleep, she thought she had time.

For over an hour she sat in the bar nursing a single drink. She shook her head and downed the brown liquid in one hasty swallow. As it burned her throat, the numbness that had consumed her finally waned and she found the clarity and courage needed to face her demons head on. Throwing down a few bills to pay off her drink, she stood a little taller, her shoulders a little less heavy, and she started her way back home, to Callie.

Walking slowly to her front door, she pulled the handle and realized it was locked. Seeing that the security box light was lit, she keyed in her code and retrieved the keys. Looking at the time she pulled out her cell and called Callie while she fumbled with the keys in the lock. It went straight into voicemail.

"Hey, um Callie, it's me, um Arizona." She stuttered nervously. "I just wanted to check that you got home, safely. I told you just to stay and rest." She snapped and sighed when she realized her anger was at herself and not Callie, and taking it out on her would only further alienate the woman when they _needed _to talk. "I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't very clear when I left ... when I ran out." She corrected, admitting fault where it was needed. "I'm sorry. Just ... can you call me when you get this, please?" As she hung up the phone, her purse fell into the threshold of her doorway, spilling its contents out into the hall. "_Damn it._" She swore as she bent over to retrieve them. Leaning over she saw a brown box with her name printed in bold, block lettering, written in thick, black marker. No address, no postage, no return sender, and the box flaps were folded in under each other instead of held together with any sort of packing materials.

Picking it up along with her purse, items now returned to their rightful place, she entered her apartment and made her way to her couch with the package in hand, her purse slung carelessly over her forearm. Staring at it, she tried hard to place the handwriting. She'd seen it before, but where had she seen it? It clicked so fast she had to laugh out loud at herself. It was Mark's handwriting. Not too long before she left Malawi to return home, she'd received a letter from him in the mail. The only reason she had known the letter was from him was because he put his return address on it and that was the reason she didn't read it. She _couldn't_ read it, too afraid of what it might contain. So she took the chicken's way out and it was safely tucked away somewhere in her closet, in a box of things from Malawi. Even after her return, after coming home to the truth, she still couldn't bring herself to read it. This handwriting on the box matched the envelope from Mark. She might not have opened the letter but damn it, she was sure as hell opening this box. She was done running from things.

Arizona wasn't sure what was on the DVD that Mark had left for her with a scribbled note: _to be viewed ASAP,_ but his not so subtle hint to to be prepared by leaving a box of tissues along with it, is what had her worried. She stared at it for barely a brief moment before she found herself hitting the play button on her remote. Glancing over her shoulder she saw that in her rush to the entertainment system, she'd left a trail of destruction in her path. Her purse now lay open on the floor, contents once again spilling out, her house keys now tossed aside in a corner where a wall had been a full stop, litter from the package itself in pieces torn about.

Arizona heard a giggle bringing her attention back to the television before her. Big as day, bright as the shining sun, she watched Callie Torres come to life on her screen with an infectious laugh followed by the most amazing smile, one that made her heart leap into her throat. Quickly she paused the television, her own face spreading into a grin as she stared back at the woman who held her heart. She wanted to remember that smile, the good memories it brought with her because she was sure it would be the last time she'd ever witness it again. She wanted to absorb the beauty before her. She needed a few more minutes with her in her life. And truth be told, as Callie sat on her flat screen, she was also equally terrified by what she was about to hear come from those lips she'd spent so much time worshiping. Lips she could kiss for years and it would still never be enough time to properly love them. There was now never going to be enough time to properly love Callie.

Arizona shivered; gripping the remote tightly in one hand, she rubbed at herself with her other trying to soothe the chill that ran over her entire body. Filled with a dread, a sadness she couldn't shake, she resigned herself to the truth that had become life. She was over Callie Torres. Done. There was no going back and God, or whomever the hell played with their lives as if they were pawns in a chess game, he or she or they had made sure any chance at a future of any kind was gone. They were truly out of chances this time. She had no choice but to be done; that decision, like so many others, had been taken out of her hands, but this time by her own doing.

Needing to sit, she walked over to her couch and made herself comfortable, grabbing a throw blanket in hopes of some type of warmth. She stole a few deep breaths, her eyes trained on the television, she raised her remote once again hitting the solo sideways triangle. Arizona's own smile returned even against her will as she absorbed every single moment of the woman on the screen. The focus went in and out before it stopped moving all together and Mark plopped down on the sofa next to Callie. Even as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, Arizona still grinned as they playfully played off of each other. She waited with bated breath for the reason behind this _gift,_ but she still enjoyed seeing them nonetheless.

"I'm not sleeping with you again and sure as hell not with that damn camera rolling, Mark Everett Sloan." Callie emphasized his full name and Arizona couldn't help but crack a smile at the new information she had on Mark EVERETT Sloan.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I've got it. No sex with me as it has been the case for almost four years now. No homemade pornos. Nothing that involves nudity of any kind." When he grinned, his cheeks creased and the aged laugh lines etched around his mouth almost in full craters. "But need I remind you about the shower last month? That was full on nudity." He laughed again when she threw him a full on glare.

"I passed out in the shower, anybody could have found me."

"Lucky for you, I found you and dressed you before the ambulance arrived. Somebody hadn't prepped their landing strip anytime recently." He teased.

Bellowing a laugh, Callie's entire body shook. Arizona could see the relief Mark found in the great comfort of his best friend's laugh. Just the look in his eyes told her that he'd do anything to keep that smile on her face as long as was possible. The sadness in his own smile though told her that he knew in too short a time, it would be gone for many reasons, and Arizona could sense the fear that he'd never see it again. It was coming off of Mark in waves and stole the breath right from Arizona's lungs. Breathing heavy, trying to calm herself to get through, she continued watching without interruption.

"Now say hello." He pointed at the camera facing them both. He looked like a child hoping to catch every moment of the woman he was sitting next to before she disappeared into herself and worse, out of their lives for good. Arizona was grateful he'd felt the need to do it even if it was tearing her apart watching it.

"This is stupid, what are you doing with that thing anyway?" She asked with a serious tone.

"We're making your last will and testament. Some of that stuff in your will, nobody's going to believe unless they hear it from your own lips. So talk." He ordered her.

"What am I supposed to say?" Arizona smiled as Callie twitched nervously in front of the camera.

"Give us your full name, tell us this is your last will and testament and I'll prompt you. It'll be easy."

Huffing, Callie sat up a little straighter, fixed her clothes, rubbed her sweaty palms on her pants and stared into the camera. "Hi. I'm Calliope Iphegenia Torres." For a brief moment her voice caught in her throat. Arizona could see the realization hit her that this was probably going to be the will they would use when the time came and that her time was a lot closer than it should be. Callie's face always told her the truth. "Um, this is my last will and testament." She smiled through the pain and even beamed with pride as she continued. "I want my headstone to read that I fought, hard. It should say, Callie Torres fought with everything in her. She didn't give up. Her love was too strong to just give up."

Both Mark and Callie let the silence drag on for a moment as they both absorbed the truth behind her words. The weight on Arizona's chest mirrored their emotions.

"Why?" He asked. "Why didn't you give up?"

Even as tears escaped against her will, her hands shook in her lap enough to for them to fist together, to calm her down, Callie smiled. "I made a promise." She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, blinking several times to keep more tears from joining the others. Arizona loved that desperate look when Callie was trying so very hard to be strong and all she wanted to do was crawl into the TV and comfort her, tell her she didn't have to be strong, that Arizona would be strong for the both of them.

"I'm going to break that promise, but not because I didn't love her enough. If she ever finds out, if she ever finds it in her heart to forgive me, when she visits my grave, she'll see that I fought."

Arizona paused the video for a moment, grabbing her bottle of water and downing it in a few gulps. Her throat was on fire from all of the crying she'd already done and this was just bringing back those tears in full force. Tears she thought she'd locked away. She was suddenly very angry at Mark for dropping this off and if Callie found out he'd given this to her, they would probably both put aside their differences and work together to murder him and dispose of the body. Arizona contemplated ratting him out just to have that moment with Callie.

"Callie, you can still make it." He reminded her and Arizona wanted to believe it even if Mark's voice lacked truth behind his words.

"If this is about me, why are you in it? Nobody wants to see your face and I don't want you to be in my legacy." Arizona smiled as Callie pushed him out of frame and readjusted herself in front of the camera. She agreed, she just wanted to see Callie. Happy, alive, Callie.

Arizona heard papers being shuffled out of frame and watched intently as Callie studied Mark off screen.

"Your car?"

Arizona had to laugh when Callie glared at her best friend again. "Alex."

"Come on Cal, even after death you're going to continue to buy his silence?" Mark whined, and normally Arizona would roll her eyes at his childish antics, but his question instead stoked a million questions in her mind. Why was Callie buying Alex's silence? Did this have something to do with why he insisted on his immediate departure for Malawi upon her return to the states when he wasn't due down there for another two months? What was she buying his silence for?

"If he's still in Malawi, I'll just keep it safe for him."

"Mark!" Callie laughed at Mark's antics, Arizona joining in with her from her spot watching them play this out on screen.

"What about your furniture, kitchen appliances, clothing?"

Arizona smiled as Callie waved at Mark like he was an idiot and couldn't figure that out on his own. "Give it all to a women's shelter. Not like I can cook in the afterlife. Whatever Cristina doesn't want can go."

Of course Callie would make sure Cristina was taken care of and then people she'd never met. It was one of the many reasons that Arizona had fallen in love with her.

"Cristina kept the apartment, Owen's probably more looking for things than she is." Mark's voice reminded her from the side.

"Okay, Owen can take whatever he wants. As long as nothing goes to waste." Callie shrugged not really caring or so her face said.

"Now about your trust fund."

"Later." Callie's voice cracked and she turned her head away from the camera for a moment as Arizona watched her compose herself.

"Does that mean we can go back to the car issue?"

Callie laughed. It was a hard laugh and it brought a smile to Arizona's face. "Mark, Alex gets my car. You have three cars, you don't need another."

"Fine." He mumbled.

Arizona heard Mark sigh and watched the video pan in closer to Callie. There was now less of the couch and more of her face and even in sickness, Callie looked beautiful.

"What would you tell her if she was to see this?"

A look of fear crossed Callie's face and something clicked in Arizona's overtaxed brain. She finally figured out why Mark had given this to her. "But ..." Callie paused. "But she's not going to, right?"

Arizona could hear Mark smiling into the camera. "Callie, don't you trust me?"

Oh my God. Arizona shook her head. That damn bastard planned this from the beginning. He knew if Callie was alive when she returned that, between the anger and hurt, there was a good chance they'd never sort things out and he needed something to give them a push. Damn him.

She watched Callie contemplate his words and she began yelling at the TV, torn. "Don't trust him, Calliope. He's setting you up." She repeated as Callie remained silent. Her mouth yelled to protect her ex and her heart kept screaming for Callie to take a leap of faith, to trust him because she needed to hear whatever it was Callie had to say. She needed it, but she hated that it was at the expense of trust. Damn that man.

Another few moments of silence went by before she spoke again. "I'd tell her I miss her farts." She spoke seriously.

Both Mark and Arizona laughed.

"You're serious?"

Callie gazed off into the camera with a distant look in her eyes. They glazed over and her voice took on a raspy edge. "If she was farting on me, I could deal with the stench." At Mark's perplexed look, Callie cleared her throat and laughed, "They smell like the Jersey shore, it's not pretty." She paused and Arizona took that moment to blow her nose. "But it would mean she was _here with me_." Arizona couldn't believe Callie was telling this to Mark, yet at the same time she understood exactly what Callie meant. "I miss those farts." She whispered.

She fell silent for a moment as the pain of missing Arizona became overwhelming. Arizona missed Callie just as much.

"You still love her."

Callie glared again. "Really Mark? You have to ask me that?"

"If you don't make it ..." Arizona could hear the pain in his voice and it broke her heart. She rubbed at her chest hoping to relieve the pain even if it was emotional and not physical.

"I'm going to be at that airport, Mark." Callie spoke with confidence. "I promised."

The weight on her chest became almost unbearable as she absorbed the honest determination behind Callie's words. Fumbling with the remote as her eyes filled, clouding her view, her fingers sought out for the squared button. Arizona managed to find the pause and the DVD stilled as she grabbed for the tissue box. Pulling out a hand-full of kleenex, Arizona broke, the damned tears finally free and flooding past all barriers she had put in place to protect herself, to keep Callie out. Sobbing uncontrollably, it took little time for the tissues to soak through with grief before they landed on the floor and she was grabbing for more. As time passed, the pile grew and grew, comparable only to the guilt filling her which only served to cause her to cry harder.

Shame was an overpowering emotion and one where Arizona found herself at the center of as she thought back at the events that had transpired over the course of the past several years. Callie _was _at that damn airport and she was so mad when she saw her there. Never did she think what an important moment it was for Callie to have been there because never was she privy to why it would be important. That damn promise, at the time, only angered Arizona and what made matters worse, it was her reasoning behind bringing Tara home. Her decision to bring Tara home _that _day was because deep down she was fully aware that Callie would keep her damn promise, and because Arizona had been so wounded by grief and pain for having to go to Malawi by herself, to live without Callie, to be tossed aside with no explanation, no care for her heart, that she wanted to hurt Callie by having her see Tara. To create jealousy and a sense of loss, hopefully regret. She had used Tara and she felt terrible for it and she was right, Arizona used her to heal herself. And for sex.

She'd never meant for it to get that far; far enough for them to move together, live together, be together outside of Malawi. While she didn't mean to use Tara for healing, sex was another story. Three years was a long time to go without sex and when they both found each other, the lone two lesbians in Malawi, it was the perfect arrangement and one they both signed on for from the beginning. SHE was to blame for how it ended. The fact that she talked herself into believing that she loved someone as cruel and self-centered as Tara was, made her feel dirty. The fact that she was as cruel and self-centered as Tara ... if there was something worse than filth, she felt like _that_. The scum on pond scum.

"Damn it." Arizona switched from tissues fisted in her hands to gripping the pillow in her lap for dear life as she sobbed so hard her entire body shook violently. Three years of grief came pouring out as Arizona cried herself into a fitful slumber.

Disoriented and sore, Arizona blinked several times trying clear her memory, to recall her current whereabouts. The room was completely darkened, only a low glow from the television illuminating the room and casting dancing shadows against the walls. She was woken by the rich, sultry sound of Callie's laughter filling the air once again. It was intoxicating, the uninhibited joy flowing to her ears and it immediately put a huge smile on her face even as the dried tears fought against the act, pulling tight against her skin. God, she couldn't get enough of that laugh. Deja vu hit her, she'd been here before, lived this exact moment in time. Her heart remarkably lighter just from the musical joy reaching her ears.

Smiling and rolling over, she quickly found the source of the laughter and her heart sunk again as she remembered the DVD. It was playing again and she realized she must have rolled over the remoted and succeeded in unpausing it. According to the timestamp, about half an hour had passed on the DVD since she'd cried herself to sleep and looking at the clock on the mantel, she'd been asleep for well over an hour. Instead of rewinding back to where she stopped, Mark's question had her sitting up and watching in confusion.

"You've already funded Malawi for the next several years. They're not going to have to worry about a single dime for a very long time. Why would you liquidate your entire trust fund for their benefit?" His question brought about such a serious air that Callie's laughter, at whatever Arizona had missed was the cause, ceased immediately, the mood change dramatic.

Arizona watched in anticipation as Callie toyed with the hem of her shirt, avoiding eye contact with Mark and the camera. She looked nervous and sad with an edge of honest relief around her. She paused, biting her lower lip in nervous energy. When she looked up, tears once again threatened to fall, the glazed whites of her eyes brightened under the reflective wetness in an almost powerful kick.

"Because I couldn't make Arizona happy in life, I might as well give her this in death." She whispered with sadness lacing her voice making Arizona take a calming breath, her nerves on edge at the feelings Callie's words evoked. Incorrect words. Oh if she only knew how incorrect she really was.

"If she comes back, are you going to tell her?"

Callie shook her head in the negative, tears now spilling down her beautiful cheeks. It was so heartbreaking for Arizona to watch this.

Arizona sat up even straighter, scooting forward. She was literally waiting on edge for Callie's response. "Why?" Arizona asked out loud, speaking in time with Mark. "Why?" She repeated, hoping and praying through some dumb luck that Callie heard her too.

"Mark, she's going to hate me and if she doesn't, which she will, she just doesn't need to know. Why do you think I bribed Karev to keep his mouth shut?"

"Callie." Arizona could hear the painful sigh coming from Mark from behind the camera. She mirrored with her own sigh at the mention of once again bribing Karev.

"I don't want her to know. I don't want her to think I'm trying to buy her love. I did this for her. Because I love her, Mark. Not because I was trying to get anything out of it. Okay?" Callie's voice cracked and she'd lost all of the happiness from the laughter only minutes before. "I don't want to talk about Arizona anymore, it's too hard."

As Callie reached for her own tissues, Mark came back from behind the camera and sat down next to her, holding her hand, and whispering something that the camera microphone just couldn't pick up.

Arizona watched Mark comfort her and all she wanted to do was be Mark Sloan in that moment. _Damn that man _she found herself cursing him all over again.

When Callie finally stopped crying, Mark took the moment to change the mood. Arizona saw it coming before he even opened his mouth as she watched the corner of his lips twitch. It brought a smile to her own face as she prepared for whatever he had up his sleeve. "So tell us, what the hell are we supposed to do with your collection of rodent skeletons in that shoe box in your closet? Who is going to want that?"

Callie laughed and swatted at Mark. Arizona couldn't help but laugh too as she paused the DVD player and turned off the TV. VERY few people knew about Callie's skeleton collection and, years ago, Arizona had even tried to convince Callie to throw it out. It was gross. Morbid. But Callie didn't think so and she was proud of them. Where they housed their horses in Miami, there were owls everywhere and as a child, Callie used to collect their pellets, dissect the bones from the fur, and glue them back together, the skeletons, onto cardstock. It's how she became so interested in orthopedic surgery and bones in general. She'd kept each card in a box, could name every bone on every card, and it was her dirty, little, geeky secret. Arizona momentarily wondered how Mark found out, but as he was the executor of her will, she figured they now had no secrets.

Arizona was on information overload and needed some time to process this new information, except she realized watching this, that she was quickly running out of time. The difference between that Callie only a few months before and Callie today was a drastic change, and not for the better. Even the small time Arizona had been home had shown an obvious spiral in Callie's health. She'd been processing a lot lately and damn it, before Mark's interference, she was certain she'd made up her mind. Or at least convinced herself what she needed to do. Needed wasn't the right word either, her decision prior to seeing this was pure self-preservation, screw what her heart was telling her to do. But Arizona just needed to be reminded and Mark knew she would need that damn reminder. Callie still loved her and maybe she also needed reminding just how much she felt the same in return.


End file.
